Fill me UP!

I don't want to tell you the subject in the first sentence for I fear you might think the topic is full of gas and leave.

As you probably know from my 10,000 other blogposts, I've mentioned that service in Japan is top notch. Haircuts always have a happy ending, and by that I mean a nice massage. In between you are probably given a nice boiling wet towel to rub your greasy hands and face on, its FANTASTIC!

So minor and yet, so great.

I also enjoy the bows while greeting and on the way out. Its like I did them a favor and they are thanking me. Saying "IRRASHAIMASE!" which is essentially a simple WELCOME is a nice touch too.

I realise its all fake, but its still nice (just like Pamela Anderson haha not funny).

Imagine if you can't read Japanese. I always went for the cheapest and hoped there wasn't too much water in it. Wait, they don't do that in Japan? Maybe water costs too much.

Well today's topic is another place that many people have to visit while living in Japan.

It doesn't sound overly exciting but it can be quite fun.

As I may have mentioned I had two vehicles while in Japan. For the first year and a 1/2 I froze my butt off in the snow, and melted like a candle in the summer heat.

My co-worker (A half Japanese half Chinese American but family lived in Korea, so Korean influenced) and I bought a car together.

I wasn't too familiar with the vocabulary for gas stations as that wasn't something I'd ever learned at University while studying Japanese. That was more like "What time is it? Hi Mr.Tanaka" etc. Very useless stuff that no one ever uses (I later learned the object can be removed from a Japanese sentence most of the time as it was usually understood, and my Japanese teachers used to lie to say its always needed).

When I first went to the gas station I went myself. Unlucky for me, that some of my students worked at the only gas station near my place. They were part of what I called the "bad kids". Not the ones that might murder me, but fairly close.

Oneday I drove my car in and got a nice bow. The person said something to me of words I'd never heard before. 

I answered "YES" in English. He looked at me, it wasn't my student, but I could see one of my students inside the gas station.

He did not understand and neither did I.... oh mother trucker!

I got out of the car and reached for the gas nozzle, 3 people ran out of the shop, seemingly not impressed the damn foreigner was about to pour his own gas. They probably thought gas was unique to Japan and foreigners don't use it (yes a lot of things, I got asked that, I thought its just a bad joke but people were serious). You have rice in Canada? 

"Mantan desu ka".  

What the hell is a mantan I thought. I didn't have Google or smartphones back then, so I repeated "Yes" again in English.

One of my students came out and bowed. I realized this is probably the only time he'd ever bow to me. At school he was a total d$ck. A few times he threw erasers and spat spitballs at me. I contemplated breaking his fingers each time. I think he thought I was joking, but in reality I was holding back my inner 24 Jack Bower and ready to inflict some pain anyway I could, to get some terrorist information out of him (cause he threw erasers and its very similar).

He did his fake bow and started cleaning my windows. The thought of spitting on the widow and making him shine it also crossed my mind (that's a little mean, maybe I shouldn't have said the truth this time). Then when he went to shine it, crack one finger. He'd probably still be obligated to bow and thank me for coming.

They grabbed the gas nozzle from me (in a nice way) and filled up my tank. He asked "FURU OK?" meaning FULL is OK?

I realized maybe mantan is mixed word, man as in full and tan, short form of gas tank(tanku).

Turns out I was right.

My car was shined, windows buffed, they asked if I had any garbage in my car the throw out and took it away.

I paid and thought I'd get a bow.

All four of them assisted. One went to the road to block imaginary traffic, the other directed me onto the road (because I didn't know where it was I guess).

Another stood very close to the car (and very close to my wheel about to crunch his toes and he did a deep bow. Everyone bowed and thanked me.

I said "YES" in English and drove away into the sunset (there was no sunset it was already dark, but just pretend to end on a perfect note).

Gas served, bow necessary. Direction onto road mandatory. I like!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Oh No they are coming!!

Many a time I saw some nice dressed up white people biking around the crappy rice field area's on bikes (bicycles, not cool motorcycles). As they biked around on their granny bikes they always dressed in Sunday's finest (that's a religious overtone for you). 
Always with dress shirt, a tie and grey dress pants.

When it was a scorching summer (as I was fairly evident Global warming was real. So if Trump pushes through his agenda of denial, I hope some Americans will correct his path to UH OH's-ville) many wore shorts. Whilst they looked professional I looked like I was worth $5. I literally was. I went through a whole phase of dollar stores only clothes. In Japan you can get your whole wardrobe there.
My socks, underwear, shirt and shorts were from the dollar store. I was happy I was not a girl because all of the above were so thinly made, it was pretty much see through. A very unwise choice when it rains (unless that floats your boat of course).

LOL, this is a big hint, if you don't get it, you should learn it.

Anyways, the agent Smith type people (minus the cool sunglasses) and top suit jacket.

A few of them spoke Japanese.
I didn't know who they were. My first assumption was businessmen. As to why their ages looked to be so young I wasn't sure.

My next assumption was FBI or some rogue agents doing reconnaissance (its a big word, from French if interested). As to why they would do that in a rice field I wasn't sure (obviously for deniability?)

What interested me as that it was always white males, younger (moderate good looking {HAD NOTHING ON ME!!}), seemed to be Americans and looked clean (shaven and style).

Like poster boys for something (and they really did appear like almost boys).

Based on this title, you are probably thinking Aliens impersonating us as the perfect specimen, but no, I'm saying Mormons. 

That's who they were.... MORMON's!

Oh god! (that's funny cause its a catchphrase but its also about religion).

Now I now you think is this gonna get start getting mean dissing the Mormons, not really. If I was going to pick a group to pick on, might be Scientologists (the tell all by Leah Remini seems to lay out a lot of the closed door stuff). Some of that stuff is really out to lunch, not that Mormon's aren't, but this is about Japan, so I'll let you make your own decisions about Kolob (the holy star/ planet) from the Mormon holy book of Abraham. Oh lord! (I did it again! I truly love wordplay).

LOL. LOVE IT!

It was so funny to be similar but so different at the same time.They never came to my door, I'm not sure why. It may have been due to me putting a line of salt infront of it to ward off ghosts (or reborn anything that was supernatural), but I'm not really sure.

Its also possible that whoever came to my door could read Japanese. As I previously mentioned in another blogpost, I thought I'd transcribe my foreigner devil name into Chinese characters, but unbeknown to me it said "I'm always absent", so I never got my mail. I did get the NHK lady asking for money to pay NHK (like CBC in Canada, BBC in England or PBS in USA) but they collect door to door and its mandatory. I told her I didn't have a TV (it was blaring loud in the background). After I spoke to her in Japanese, I told her a few times I only spoke English. LOL.
I should have added and I have a sudden case of amnesia only related to language.


I also didn't get a large amount of visitors, so once in a while it was nice to see someone. Even if they were trying to steal my hard hard money for some TV show that primarily played news, about topic I had no interest in (the Japanese economy). Its about as interesting as opening a door (that fell a little flat, but I can't think of anything overly funny right now).



I didn't have a lot of interaction with them, but I'd go to really remote parts of town where there were no foreigners (most of my back water town) and I'd see one riding his bike on his merry way trying to push his Kolob stuff to some unsuspecting sucker.


I looked it up onetime while I was there and it said a lot of people use the Mormon's. I didn't really get it. From most people's experience they were super polite so the Mormon thought he was converting someone and in turn they thought they were getting free English lessons.

I thought that was funny, not sure who was the sucker in that case.

Count me in! Or ... not.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Look for Trouble It Finds You!

I recently watched some YouTube video's about Yakuza, aka the Underworld (not the movie, the actual underworld). Lifestyles of the real nightlife in Japan. FYI I see there is a new Underworld movie about to be released (the trailers look deceivingly good. The story kinda plateaued for me, then dropped faster than Felix Baumgartner from the stratosphere).

I remember my High School Japanese teacher (who I mentioned many times is a white guy) seemed to have all sorts of trouble with the Underworld. I hope his stories were true (there as no vampires in them). Even if they weren't, they were highly entertaining and led me down a path to the dark side. You might call him (Darth VADER!) and he is not my father (that I'm aware!)

In these YouTube videos a couple American guys are talking about drinking and clubbing and looking for girls. They don't care if the girls have boyfriends or not. That seems to be where the problem starts (foreshadow. It doesn't matter what country you are in, that won't end well, and no I don't know from experience).

One guy states "Those MOFO's do NINJA sh#t to kick our asses! They are always training to beat someone". I laughed, its a statement with semi truth.

Watch out you will never see them coming!

Let me emphasize you NEVER judge a book by its cover. You might be thinking this nerdy mofo who is 5 feet tall, can't do sh#t, then ninja’s might pop out at you. And he undoes his suit and inside he has ninja clothes on, swords and throwing stars.

The samurai spirit or mentality is still alive in Japan. As I mentioned in previous posts I saw some mofo’s do some crazy “Ninja” sh#t.

I saw people get choked out, arm breaks at judo. My own ribs and almost neck break (and I'm 5 feet tall and 100 pounds).
I saw little old men with no muscle do wrist locks or me and other people and make them scream like little girls (I usually scream that way in all honesty). It was impressive to say the least (and I have the marks on my body to prove it). Let me know if you can find out any voodoo techniques to pass those body marks to someone else (or if you met Dr.Strange. I'm not sure he's real yet, I'll check out his Marvel documentary to make sure his magic is legit).

In Japan a lot of children learn Judo or other martial arts. The school I taught at only had Judo, but they did a workshop on SUMO (I wasn't interested in seeing the loincloth on myself or others so I skipped it). Other schools may also have karate, kendo, aikido etc. There must be some that teach how to throw ninja stars called "shuriken" in Japanese. I hope they don't lace them with poison, kids would be dropping left and right.
After school those kids (or shall I say mofo's) are still training the same martial art or a different one. So they train day, night, weekend. Of course they are going to be proficient (aka able to kick ass with ninja sh$t). This should come as no surprise.

Let me express that there are no MCDojo's in Japan. If you don't get that word let me break it down for you.

Hmm, only a few months to get a black belt, must be legit!

You cannot buy your belt in Japan, you have to earn it. In Canada, there are a couple companies (especially karate based ones, don't wanna mention names or I may have a lawsuit coming).
People pay to buy each belt. 
In Japan, at minimum you must put the time in. There are many crappy lower level black belts, but it doesn't mean they didn't spend 1000's of hours training (and doing ninja sh$t too).
A black belt of lower rank is seen as the beginning of the path, but here its seen as the end.
Once you are higher ranked, your skills will be so good, you may be learnt how to be invisible and touch of death (that's sarcasm, so don't expect it to be real, as for the Marvel Universe and Dr.Strange's magic the jury is still out).

So the moral of the story is simple, you might think that you being muscular and 6 ft 1, with 200 + pounds on a little scrawny Japanese guy means something, but it doesn't.

If you throw gas on the flame and try to steal someone's girlfriend, you may be in for a beating (and I may join in too).
Just cause you are a gaijin (foreigner) doesn't mean you have the right to be an as$hole.

Heed my words grasshoppers, for I am the ancient one (just like in the Dr.Strange movie, like how I used that three plus times?) By the way, the ancient one (in the comics) is supposed to be Asian but they hired a white for it. That's nice. 
Hollywood is so with the times ;-)
On that note since its almost election time in the U.S. so is Trump. LOL!

LOL. And this guy might be President? You Americans are so funny.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Really ANNOYING WORDS from English!

Do you ever shudder when you hear certain things, or someone makes the same mistake over and over? (I sometimes also shudder when I pee my pants, but that's for a separate blog post (hope its not too TMI). Hope you are looking forward to it.


I use to have a co worker (in Canada) that always said "my staffs always listen to me". I wanted to slap him across the face (he was my boss, so maybe not a good idea).
It used to piss me off to no end (just like a Duracell battery?   It kept going and going... and going....)

Its probably not worth being strangled by Darth Vader. Get it right! Its a command not a suggestion.

There are many words that the Japanese language has borrowed from English and Japacized (not to be confused with infanticide, and not nearly as terrible to most people, but to me both are disgraceful.

For some reason, certain words make me shudder and the only way to release my anger is to slap someone. Slap myself? Doesn't work, I tried!

PROTEIN. You know the stuff you get from meat and muscle builders eat a ton of.
In Japan its called PRO - TAIN. Like PRO but TAIN(T) minus the T. I just wanna slap the nearest person when I hear it. Its super annoying. I guess I should avoid the muscle bound types for slapping.

Dump Truck DANPUKAA
like as in DAN (name) PU (poo) kaah (like yelling kaaaaaaaaaa in a fight). Sounds like a child invented that word. I hate it with a passion (like Passion of the Christ, except no passion for Christ).

HORMONE(S) =  HORUMON
I hate this word. WHORE MOHN (the MOHN is like the exact way a Jamaican would say MAN, MOUHN). As in hormones but also used when eating meat sometime at yakiniku (meat grilled on a BBQ). I hate it when someone asks "Do you want to eat hormones?" Sounds sick (and it is). LOL! I want to take that meat and put it where the sun don't shine (wait this sounds sexual). Its not supposed to be.

Seems a little overly direct. I like it.

I guess I should play devil's advocate (more devil and less advocate) and state that in the West we also Anglicize (turn it into English) to make words sound better for us.

Here are a few reverse examples that may drive Japanese people insane (and slap someone around them).

SAKE-  I've never heard anyone in the West say this right, its SAAH KE(H). Everyone says SAKEY, there is no key sound. When Japanese people are trying to figure out what the hell you want, you think you're funny giggling and they don't. They are trying to comprehend your horrendous Japanese pronunciation.


GEISHA  (its gay shah) not GI SHA or GAI SHA. Gei (gay) means Art and Shah (person). A person of art, although Geisha have many skills, one of those about deflowering seems to be the only thing us Westerns take from them. They also have many skills such as conversational skills and language trickery, instrument playing, makeup skills, serving drinks and food, singing etc. Its a wide array of talents, not laying on their backs (even I could do that one. Sounds sexual again, tone it down).


ORIGAMI, as in OREA(H) GAHME not ORAH GAMI. ORU means to fold, and becomes ORI, GAMI means paper, so literally you are saying folded paper. Everytime you say it wrong they probably want to fold you (in a really painful way).

TEMPURA (tem puhhh rah). Don't say Tampura or Tamponra. I don't want to eat tampons or have it get mixed up with my food (again). Its a joke although a dirty one. You probably just shuddered.

Sounds about right. Just replace grammar with English loan words. A bit of a mouthful though.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Meeting Famous People

LOL!

I'm laughing already remembering the time "I may" have met Utada Hikaru.
If you don't know she is a massive JPOP (Japanese POP) star. She does have some English songs (and she has perfect English. That's good because love you doesn't become "rab you" as many popstars in Japan do). She is huge in Japan. In English her songs never seem to hit the nail on the hammer (or reverse, whatever it is).
I put the emphasis on "maybe" about meeting her cause "maybe" I didn't. It wasn't in person, if you are thinking how didn't I know. I could go for an edgy racist joke here, but I'm not going to.

This story brings me back to my youth (what seems like long long ago).

One day I was using "ICQ messenger". If you are wondering what the F is that? You are very young and I am very old. Like an old wiseman teaching Kung Fu to his young grasshopper (or in this case Karate, cause Kung Fu is Chinese, don't mix it up MOFO).
Its basically texting for when the internet started to go mainstream. Yes I used to have to buy internet usage by the hour, an absurd sum of like $10 an hour. My parents probably thought I was doing assignments and I was messaging and surfing porn (what teenage boy didn't?)

I did a random chat one day, I have no clue what I wrote. but the girl introduced herself as a New Yorker, who is Japanese. And to top it off her mother used to be an Enka singer. These things also match Utada Hikaru's life perfectly, but I guess its possible it "may" not have been her.

Now at that time I wasn't very intelligent (nor am I now. Things didn't improve much. Must have been the porn surfing HAHA). I'm still not the sharpest tool in the shed. More like a light that has burnt out half way (I think that's called going dim. If I were smarter I'd know).

I have no clue if I asked her for a picture or I suggested exchanging photos but she sent me one. LOL!
She played me, like a violinist plays a piano (or a violin whatever).  She sent me some model type girl in a swimsuit. Kinda weird thing to send to a random guy in some foreign country, but I'm happy. I thought so beautiful (saved me time searching for porn myself).  This ICQ is great! Insert ICQ sound here (if you don't know it, its a unique du du sound. You could look it up instead of surfing porn).
I don't know fancy web programming (now called coding to sound more cool) so I'm not sure how to make a link popup and not close this one). Regardless if you are interested in the ICQ sound click the link and come back cause SPOILER ALERT, BOOBS ahead! I mean boobs in both sense. As idiot and the real thing.

Link to the du du sound I think. I hope the link works. Come back after for the boobs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iCPIUGnHQ8


I probably told her, wow your face and body are amazing like a model.
A few years later I was cleaning out my computer and a Japanese friend asked why I had that picture? I said oh some girl I met, she said I don't think so, its a model and she's wearing a swimsuit. What girl is going to send that, especially a Japanese one (I should have realized most Japanese are more reserved than us brash foreigners). Good point! I am dim (dimwitted).

The picture was something like this. I should have realized this body type is not normal and looks to be a pro pic. But I wasn't too smart. Hopefully not airbrushed, you can only dream!
SORRY GOOGLE DELETED THIS PIC SO I PROVIDE A LINK or it violates the young ins eyes I guess.

Another time I was reading about how Utada Hikaru said in an interview she used to do random ICQ chats. It seemed to re emphasize my belief it was her. The evidence piled up like the theory of evolution (only its actually a fact, because we generally use theory to mean guess in slang, but in a scientific sense, a "theory" is much more than that, its explaining the evidence that we have. There is no guess of evolution, The evidence is overwhelming, from many independent sources that's the icing on the cake. I had a person say to me "its just a theory" the other day. I didn't realize how ignorant he was, until I realized he didn't care what the evidence showed because he had a religious agenda. Hard to talk to people who make up their mind before seeing or listening to the evidence).
Anyways my Utada Hikaru evidence wasn't as compelling as that of evolution (that sentence made me sound like I'm writing a report instead of surfing porn). But nevertheless, it was still strong.
I have a feeling it was her. She's highly intelligent and was playing me. Entertaining for her, and now 20+ years later for me.

Apparently can also make fun of me too, "maybe".

Strangely one of my friend's brothers knew her (non Japanese Canadian guy). He was going to international school in Tokyo and she also went there. I think she was only semi famous by then, but everyone knew who she was. He personally couldn't care less if she was famous. He didn't care about much it seems, but that's a sidetrack to be visited on a different blog story.
If I had known him then I would have asked him to go up to her and be like "Do you remember the time you met a random guy on ICQ and you sent him a model pic. Well its 20 years later, but he wants a confirmation it was you."


She'd probably be like "What fool would fall for that? What a dumbass".
Me, I guess. haha.

Checkmate Utada (or "maybe" someone else).

Well it could have been Utada (I think on the left), or a copycat just like here (I think the one on the right). The one on the right says "Rab(u) you" cause her English she couldn't emulate.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Green Tea with a chance of love (meatballs)

OK, Green Tea with a Chance of Love ..... or Meatballs?
Either one could be good, whatever comes first, I suppose.
The intent was to sound like the title of the movie "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs", but I couldn't quite find a smooth sounding title so I stuck with this one above (rough, like a 5 o'clock shadow).

On a sidenote, I love to rub my 5'oclock shadow over smooth skin (even my baby loves it, till mom see's his red skin and asks why he has a massive rash, I just tell her it might have been a swarm of mosquito's (ideally without Zika). You didn't think I would say it, but I did. ZIKA! Its the equivlant of saying "LORD VOLDEMORT!". Until he shows up I'm going to keep saying it (which might be soon based on the windy sounds I've been hearing, could just be natural but probably not, I'll assume its supernatural to be safe).
I always try to insert some relevant news in the blog (I was going to make a joke about athlete's in Brazil for the Olympics but Lemi Levoto's mom already did that. Read the news if you don't know the lastest celeb gossip people).

Not Japan related, but weather related, no meatballs in this forecast.

As you may or may not know there is a whole sh$tload of different kinds of green tea in Japan.
Just like Pokemon! (another relevant tidbit of information in the news)
In Canada we might just say green tea to mean every bleedin' type. I've been pretending to be Irish recently and add 'bleedin' to some sentences. My 'bleedin' brain. My 'bleedin' socks. Literally they are not bleeding (that I'm aware of). Might explain the fading colour of my socks though (bleedin' dollar store brand).


One of the really popular types of tea is matcha (Green tea, which is usually a powder when served properly in a tea ceremony).
There are also "goodies" aka treaty treats that are matcha but they are (bleedin') delicious and sweet. Real matcha is quite bitter and frothy. It looks nice in a cup, but when you taste it you probably want to spit it out (I did twice during a tea ceremony. I imagine the person doing the ceremony was like ungrateful mother fuc$ken devil comes to my ceremony, spits out my deliciously/ ceremonially made tea and returns it more frothy than before and expects me to clean out spit from the cup.
Regardless of their opinions I always got a smile and a please come again at the end (while they were probably thinking, if I ever see you outside of this ceremony ideally I push you infront of an oncoming train. I never want to see you again, never come back even though I'm pretending I want you too. If the world ends and it comes down to only you and me, we are not going to repopulate this earth together, I rather it ended. That the whole of mankind suffers due to your unbelievable gestures and tea spitting.

Long Island Ice Tea. That's a dry joke, its not even bleedin' funny.

Japanese people have a great skill in that even when things are going bad or they hate your soul (like completely), they will give you a smile and a thank you. I bleedin' love it.
Imagine how many difficult situations could be deal with. All you need is a smile and a thank you (or an apology even though you didn't do anything wrong). Puts people off guard and creates a harmonious environment (known in Japan as WA).

There is an expression in Japan "Ocha shinai?" Won't you do tea?
And that means literally means "Won't you do tea?" but actually means, why don't we go to a tea house, drink tea and gaze into each others eyes. Hope some sparks fly (like a Nicholas Sparks movie THE NOTEBOOK!), then see where the nearest love hotel is. I thought it was funny, so I used that expression a few times (even though I had a g/f. I thought it might break the ice). Its a pretty dated expression and these days its more likely to be a Starbucks down the street, their matcha filled with sugar/ milk and never ending whip cream. YUM YUM!  I never spit that one out.


Coffee has become pretty popular these days and you can buy it heated (yes heated) from vending machines pretty much anywhere (probably even on Mt.Fuji but I'm not 100% sure, I've only been to some smaller mountains and they had it at the top). Fuji they might be worried of putting one there since next volcano blast its gonna melt the machine (but it will get that coffee real hot!)

The proper way to say tea shop is "Kissaten" written in Chinese characters as 喫茶店.  My Japanese teacher (white guy) told me he used to try to buy a coffee during the 1980's in Tokyo and he had to pay about $10 per coffee so that word kissaten was easy for him to remember, since it was "kiss a ten goodbye". LOL.

My ending sentence is the same as my beginning one, not smooth (like a tree's bark).

Mama always told me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed (like a bleedin' rubber hammer),

Looks so nice, but it tastes like sh$t! Add sugar like Starbucks and do not spit back into bowl. Trust me I know from experience. You may still get a smile (of hate).

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6hudSMxomg

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My newest blog about being a TERRIBLE FATHER

http://howtobegoodfather.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Reverse Racism Good Bad Ugly

Reverse Racism Good Bad Ugly

Ah racism. Based on skin only. What a thing....

Oh, well in this case just sounds wrong.

I thought there was an expression "never judge a book by its cover", but I guess people pay that no heed (heed is a cool word, makes me sound British <PRE BREXIT British>). Funny?


When I was a kid I used to watch a lot of the Fox channel (don't judge!) They also have Simpsons and Family Guy.
During commercials they would say "RACISM. DON'T PLAY THAT GAME!"
I didn't know what Racism was. But I know it very well now. I don't play that game. But it did get played on me. I do play the GAME OF THRONES (and I'm trying to make everyone heed making me King). Tyrion Lanister is about to gain CASTERLY ROCK again (sorry that's a rave about my new favourite TV Show GAME OF THRONES).  If you don't get it you are not a G.O.Thrones FAN. Become one, its entertaining beneath the sex, deceit and dragons. In that precise order. I prefer the dragons myself (well actually also the sex).

I grew up in a very white town (some of those kids had probably never seen another skin type). I can't say I really understood racism till my cousin insulted my girlfriend who is now my wife (Chinese Canadian, born and raised in Canada). He looked at her "Your English is very good, when did you come to my country?" First off her English is the same as yours and you are judging her based on her skin. 2nd of all F#K you (if you are reading this I mean in a good F#K you way, if possible).

Now, that's positive racism. Or its just true so not sure its racism.

When I went to Japan I guess that's the first time I experienced real racism, both the good, the bad (and the ugly).

I think that regardless of your colour, they are going to be a bit of both in Japan. In other countries maybe only the bad. I'm not sure if South Africa still has "white is right attitude" but when I was 10 I watched a movie about it. I forget the name. Maybe The Gods Must be Crazy? Or was that about a coke bottle dropping from the sky. I forget.
On a completely different side note they weren't that nice to the aliens in District 9 either (if you didn't know District 9 draws parallels about racism and mistreatment in South Africa).

In this case, we could have known since day 1. Snap! Positive racism!

I saw some touching moments of hugs and genuine friendships happen with some elementary kids and a lot of the non white people (Maori from New Zealand, African Americans, Mexican Americans etc etc etc). I felt like the racism card hadn't entered the card deck yet. Not programmed yet.
In my experience of students I felt a little bit like CHARISMA MAN and then on the lower part of the scale like an alien invader that should be executed at first site (you should read my story about getting kicked in the face by a student).

Check this out if you are interested in Charisman Man, its semi-true. Rock Star, God, Too COOL.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charisma_Man
To throw a little science (call me Dr.Nye). This might be similar to the Halo effect (optical illusion). It appears like its a circle around the sun, but really its just an illusion (just look being a Rock Star is an illusion cause you aren't one. They only think that cause you are white and categorized together).


Some racism I experienced was both physical and verbal. Occasionally I laughed about it (but many times I didn't!)
I had a few kids as I mentioned previously that liked to rip my hair out of my arms and legs. It F#*#kn hurt like you wouldn't believe (about the same level as waterboarding. Look it up). Sometimes when you pull hair it bleeds, so I'd have blood dripping down my arms and staining my white shirt (and white skin too, that's not convenient having white skin). Rubbing suntan lotion on freshly scalped hair (ouch!). It was like throwing water on the sun (sizzle sizzle).
I also had a few kids that told me to "F off an die!", "Go home to your own country and die", "Filthy foreign demon, die". I didn't know if they meant it (Now I think they did).

I also had a girl that liked to pet me. I wasn't sure which area of racism this was under good or bad. She kept repeating "Your body is so strange! Its really weird". She would rub my fingers, arms, and put her grimy hands through my hair. The jokes on her I had lots of cheap gel in it! Nya nya! <- Evil cat laugh Japanese style.


I also had another girl that asked if I could hold her hand, Maybe she wanted to take me to the zoo or show her parents a monkey?
I felt weird about it so I did my best to avoid her (I told her I had SARS and ran away a number of times). I hoped she would think I got SARS, got over it then got it again.


As I mentioned before, I also had the joy of having my genitalia stared in public baths and onsens (hot springs). Yes I was different and because of that there seemed to be some Superman style beaming eyes burning into me, but sometimes curiosity kills the cat (I'm not suggesting anything diabolical here, just a running commentary if this is good or bad racism by being stared at).
It feels embarrassing, but it also feels good cause people want to see your genitalia (I try that here but I often get arrested for "lewd conduct"). Its not lewd, its a lesson of male anatomy (a perfect specimen). I don't get arrested its just a joke (I get away with it though, mwahhahah!) <- still evil laugh but not cat style one this time.

I didn't particularly appreciate being the literal outsider as the word GAIJIN (outside person means). Although depending on the context I liked to translate it as "foreign devil sent from the depths of hell to pollute the earth and stain the clean"). Heed my words (I used heed for the 3rd time, hat trick!)

On the flip side, many times I enjoyed being a ROCK STAR.
"You are berry (very) good looking", I was once told. "Rook (look) like David Beckham".
I couldn't really argue with that cause its true.

Ouch! That's the racist stuff right there.
Definitely not a positive way!

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUXxArlapy0

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My newest blog about being a TERRIBLE FATHER

http://howtobegoodfather.blogspot.ca/

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Eat Fast, Sh$t Fast, Die Fast!

That's a nice expression.

You probably thought, I've come to the wrong blogpost, it sounds a little off (not only off from the centre, its justified! Like as in word format, justified! Not like Justin Timberlake).

It would help if its JUSTIFIED. Or not!

Well anywho.....

This nice expression I heard a few times. I wondered what was up with that. I noticed due to Japan having a lot of people there seemed to be a rush to do things fast.
I'm not sure if this is unique to Japan, or even to everyone.
Its more from the WWII days, so its a bit dated, but the point I guess is do your main functions fast.

EAT FAST

Many a time I would be trying to enjoy the first bites of my food when I was told we were going to leave the restaurant.
WTF? I just started eating though. I always considered filling up my pockets with whatever food it was (sushi, curry, tonkatsu, tempura). Cause I'm sure those will sit well in your pockets and not stain your groin area. If they do just say you went to bathroom in your pants (cause that's cool and adult-like).
I think soy sauce comes out well from clothes anyways, so not to worry (I'm kidding. Once its set in, you are screwed, I did it once to a pair of beige corduroys pants. I continued to wear them and people continued to point out there was a stain. A never ending cycle. I don't believe in throwing things out regardless of how stained they are or holes).

I was always the last to finish eating. I felt guilty (but not as bad as those people with dead hookers in their trunk. Shizam! Terrible I know). I would look around and everyone would wait for me. I knew they were not subtle hints when they said "Its getting late", "We need to go", "We are using a lot of valuable time".
But seriously if I don't have time to digest properly things might not sit well (and I really mean that).

Sh%t Fast

When it came to the bathroom there was good and bad.
The good was that I had to go and I seemed to be on a liquid only stool. I didn't need much time, everything came out from the faucet so to speak (graphic I know, but hey at least I didn't link it to curry).
The bad, I now linked it with curry while saying that, sorry. In addition, while it was fast, it was a repeat like a record stuck on one part forever (most of you probably don't even know what a record is, or an 8 bit NES. I am getting old. I used to think 8 bit was f'n amazing. Now people have 3D, 4K and 360 video/ games).

I had a few problems, not sure if due to the food or due to eating the food too fast.

Die Fast

 I sometimes repeat the expression myself to keep myself on track. As I can't seem to do it eat fast, sh%t fast, die fast. At least the first one. The other two, maybe. I haven't tried the third, but I'm sure its easy enough, you probably only need one try (and I'm not willing to do it, no matter what my psychologist tells you). My A.D.H.D (ADD)/ hypochondriac (anxious about health issues). psychotic state seems to have levelled itself due to the placebo pills of sugar. Cause you know sugar is always good for you (especially if nuts). By the way if I know its a placebo I'm not nuts, cause I'm tricking my mind into believing it. That means I'm part Star Wars JEDI (not Anakin though because "Spoiler alert" he's a bad one and becomes Darth VADER!)
I'm just kidding I don't have any of those or have a psychologist (yet), but after hearing this expression a few times, it definitely sent me closer to that path (of non enlightenment).
I may be slightly O.C.D, I like to wash my hands till my skin shines, but other than that I'm relatively normal (except for the dead hooker's in my trunk SHIZAM! I got you again).

There was only one thing I wanted while eating out in Japan (at a restaurant), I get to eat slowly, the other two can come later (sounds sexual somehow but its not).

Alas (that's a cool descriptive word), I see even now there is pressure from some people in the Japanese GOV'T to have elderly die fast to put less pressure on the medical care system. In the old days it was about doing what was ordered and dying on the lines in War. I guess both are similar and set to serve your country. Imagine doing that in Canada or U.S.A and being told to do it fast.

Some info here http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jan/22/elderly-hurry-up-die-japanese


READ IT FAST AND DIE! (as you can make more bandwith for others to read it. LOL, Funny!)

I used to think this looks like real cherries and the graphic were unreal! Wow. I'm that old.

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Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Abe Sada our Lorena Bobbitt!

As a young boy I used to have a nightmare about a monster that cut off my pee wee (PEN15 if you catch my drift) in the night and ate it (you could become a member of our PEN15 club I used to say. All you need to do is write PEN15 on your arm in permanent marker. A few people fell for it. Highly entertaining).

I think the reason about the monster dream (or if you are Freud you might say "fantasy". although its no Disney adventure) because of the news at that time "Lorena Bobbitt". A lady who like to carve off chunks of turkey (only it was man turkey. Man turkey is code for pee wee, I'm trying to be subtle).

SLEEP ON THE COUCH, or you may get CUT!

It was quite a disturbing story (especially for a child. Much worse than the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST). If I recall it correctly  a wife found out her husband was cheating. She pretended she was being kinky and tied him up and then took out a light saber and sliced off his pee wee (cause that's totally typical Disney style. Well technically it is now, since STAR WARS got bought by Disney, but I mean generally. And still even in Star Wars they aim for wrists not pee wees (SPOILER ALERT ...... from the 70's). So far...... but more episodes to come so you never know).
She then took the so called sliced pee wee and put it in her pocket for later. I think she threw out out her car window. NASTY! 
That's the crazy bro!

Well guess what! Japan has the same thing, that predates that extraordinary fun adventure. Her name was ABE SADA. The name itself strikes fear into the hearts (and other areas) for men.
She was a jealous women who didn't want to share her man with anyone.
The funny thing was, she was a prostitute (so hard to be jealous of their wives). According to her life history she was a promiscuous prostitute and at one point an apprentice geisha (but failed to have any skills other than being promiscuous. It is a good skill to have I guess. By the way Geisha are not prostitutes that's just a Western misconception, anything sexual is on the side, not the purpose).
Let me give you a Star Wars analogy, since we are going down that path (of the dark side Luke!) Its like you are a Jedi Knight. You can do mind control, but cutting sh#t with your light saber is all bonus. You don't have to do it, you can already move sh$t with your mind.
Extra cream on the cake you might say (or not). It might be icing on the cake, but cream sounds tastier (I'm a bit off my rocker today and everyday).

That's some STAR WARS sh$t right there. Don't say ABE SADA 3 times or she appears (or Beetlejuice) !!

Anyways back to her story. After feeling like she found her one true love (give me a break), he asked her lover to leave his wife for her, and he said no (must have been a real surprise. That's sarcasm).
So she got all kinky and strangled him (the year was 1936 which is relevant in a minute). He cut off his pee wee and put it into her kimono sleeve (it wasn't a fancy Geisha kimono sleeve, it was probably a low class kimono if pertinent. If you aren't Japanese you probably don't care. Nor do you know if a kimono should be folded left to right or right to left. Let me teach you. Its always left over right unless dressing a corpse for a funeral. You can now dress yourself properly, you're welcome).
She kept his manhood, told the maids to let him sleep and left. She also carved Abe and the guys name "Ishida" together into his thigh with a knife. That's a nice touch. She could have taken up wood or ice carving (but skin always works as a canvas. Its so smooth. That's the sick sh$t people I was testing you!)

After she left, she tried to became sexually active with a severed man turkey. Very odd, nevertheless it didn't work (which shouldn't be a surprise as the corpora cavernosathe was severed and no blood to make it functional). I had to look through a urology textbook for that term. I'll add it to my resume.
Police came and she handed over "the part" from her kimono. I suspect they were like "Seriously lady, wtf!? That's the sick sh$t right there bro" I'm gonna keep using that the whole time so I hope its not annoying yet. 
Her name became synonymous with chopping the man turkey. If you say her name in a room full of men (not the young NEW GEN type, they probably have no idea), many men will instinctively put their hands on their privates (make sure they are old men. Benjamin Button type age).
Try it sometime. I did it, very funny, especially while drinking.
Or if someone puts a hand on your friends shoulder and they say who is it. Say its ABE SADA! I laughed pretty hard when I did that, but those guys were too young and didn't get it. I didn't care, I laughed anyways (nothing wrong with laughing at your own jokes).

Ha!

In the end Lorenna Bobbit's husband has his man turkey re-attached and started a band called SEVERED PARTS. He took his hand (or maybe not hand exactly) to try at porn.
He had two unsuccessful films "John Wayne Bobbit UNCUT" and "Frankenweenie". Please don't look them up, not worth it (not that I saw it).

As for "Ishida" he ended up dead, so nothing that great happened for him after the whole incident. 
No attempts at porn that I know of (that's the sick sh$t bro!)
Attempts at resurrection failed (so far. I'm still working on it).

Mine too. But no machine gun (so far. I'm working on it).

Some More ABE SADA history if you are into it.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sada_Abe

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva