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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Meeting Famous People

LOL!

I'm laughing already remembering the time "I may" have met Utada Hikaru.
If you don't know she is a massive JPOP (Japanese POP) star. She does have some English songs (and she has perfect English. That's good because love you doesn't become "rab you" as many popstars in Japan do). She is huge in Japan. In English her songs never seem to hit the nail on the hammer (or reverse, whatever it is).
I put the emphasis on "maybe" about meeting her cause "maybe" I didn't. It wasn't in person, if you are thinking how didn't I know. I could go for an edgy racist joke here, but I'm not going to.

This story brings me back to my youth (what seems like long long ago).

One day I was using "ICQ messenger". If you are wondering what the F is that? You are very young and I am very old. Like an old wiseman teaching Kung Fu to his young grasshopper (or in this case Karate, cause Kung Fu is Chinese, don't mix it up MOFO).
Its basically texting for when the internet started to go mainstream. Yes I used to have to buy internet usage by the hour, an absurd sum of like $10 an hour. My parents probably thought I was doing assignments and I was messaging and surfing porn (what teenage boy didn't?)

I did a random chat one day, I have no clue what I wrote. but the girl introduced herself as a New Yorker, who is Japanese. And to top it off her mother used to be an Enka singer. These things also match Utada Hikaru's life perfectly, but I guess its possible it "may" not have been her.

Now at that time I wasn't very intelligent (nor am I now. Things didn't improve much. Must have been the porn surfing HAHA). I'm still not the sharpest tool in the shed. More like a light that has burnt out half way (I think that's called going dim. If I were smarter I'd know).

I have no clue if I asked her for a picture or I suggested exchanging photos but she sent me one. LOL!
She played me, like a violinist plays a piano (or a violin whatever).  She sent me some model type girl in a swimsuit. Kinda weird thing to send to a random guy in some foreign country, but I'm happy. I thought so beautiful (saved me time searching for porn myself).  This ICQ is great! Insert ICQ sound here (if you don't know it, its a unique du du sound. You could look it up instead of surfing porn).
I don't know fancy web programming (now called coding to sound more cool) so I'm not sure how to make a link popup and not close this one). Regardless if you are interested in the ICQ sound click the link and come back cause SPOILER ALERT, BOOBS ahead! I mean boobs in both sense. As idiot and the real thing.

Link to the du du sound I think. I hope the link works. Come back after for the boobs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iCPIUGnHQ8


I probably told her, wow your face and body are amazing like a model.
A few years later I was cleaning out my computer and a Japanese friend asked why I had that picture? I said oh some girl I met, she said I don't think so, its a model and she's wearing a swimsuit. What girl is going to send that, especially a Japanese one (I should have realized most Japanese are more reserved than us brash foreigners). Good point! I am dim (dimwitted).



The picture was something like this. I should have realized this body type is not normal and looks to be a pro pic. But I wasn't too smart. Hopefully not airbrushed, you can only dream!




Another time I was reading about how Utada Hikaru said in an interview she used to do random ICQ chats. It seemed to re emphasize my belief it was her. The evidence piled up like the theory of evolution (only its actually a fact, because we generally use theory to mean guess in slang, but in a scientific sense, a "theory" is much more than that, its explaining the evidence that we have. There is no guess of evolution, The evidence is overwhelming, from many independent sources that's the icing on the cake. I had a person say to me "its just a theory" the other day. I didn't realize how ignorant he was, until I realized he didn't care what the evidence showed because he had a religious agenda. Hard to talk to people who make up their mind before seeing or listening to the evidence).
Anyways my Utada Hikaru evidence wasn't as compelling as that of evolution (that sentence made me sound like I'm writing a report instead of surfing porn). But nevertheless, it was still strong.
I have a feeling it was her. She's highly intelligent and was playing me. Entertaining for her, and now 20+ years later for me.

Apparently can also make fun of me too, "maybe".

Strangely one of my friend's brothers knew her (non Japanese Canadian guy). He was going to international school in Tokyo and she also went there. I think she was only semi famous by then, but everyone knew who she was. He personally couldn't care less if she was famous. He didn't care about much it seems, but that's a sidetrack to be visited on a different blog story.
If I had known him then I would have asked him to go up to her and be like "Do you remember the time you met a random guy on ICQ and you sent him a model pic. Well its 20 years later, but he wants a confirmation it was you."


She'd probably be like "What fool would fall for that? What a dumbass".
Me, I guess. haha.

Checkmate Utada (or "maybe" someone else).


Well it could have been Utada (I think on the left), or a copycat just like here (I think the one on the right). The one on the right says "Rab(u) you" cause her English she couldn't emulate.


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Sunday, July 31, 2016

Green Tea with a chance of love (meatballs)

OK, Green Tea with a Chance of Love ..... or Meatballs?
Either one could be good, whatever comes first, I suppose.
The intent was to sound like the title of the movie "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs", but I couldn't quite find a smooth sounding title so I stuck with this one above (rough, like a 5 o'clock shadow).

On a sidenote, I love to rub my 5'oclock shadow over smooth skin (even my baby loves it, till mom see's his red skin and asks why he has a massive rash, I just tell her it might have been a swarm of mosquito's (ideally without Zika). You didn't think I would say it, but I did. ZIKA! Its the equivlant of saying "LORD VOLDEMORT!". Until he shows up I'm going to keep saying it (which might be soon based on the windy sounds I've been hearing, could just be natural but probably not, I'll assume its supernatural to be safe).
I always try to insert some relevant news in the blog (I was going to make a joke about athlete's in Brazil for the Olympics but Lemi Levoto's mom already did that. Read the news if you don't know the lastest celeb gossip people).


Not Japan related, but weather related, no meatballs in this forecast.



As you may or may not know there is a whole sh$tload of different kinds of green tea in Japan.
Just like Pokemon! (another relevant tidbit of information in the news)
In Canada we might just say green tea to mean every bleedin' type. I've been pretending to be Irish recently and add 'bleedin' to some sentences. My 'bleedin' brain. My 'bleedin' socks. Literally they are not bleeding (that I'm aware of). Might explain the fading colour of my socks though (bleedin' dollar store brand).


One of the really popular types of tea is matcha (Green tea, which is usually a powder when served properly in a tea ceremony).
There are also "goodies" aka treaty treats that are matcha but they are (bleedin') delicious and sweet. Real matcha is quite bitter and frothy. It looks nice in a cup, but when you taste it you probably want to spit it out (I did twice during a tea ceremony. I imagine the person doing the ceremony was like ungrateful mother fuc$ken devil comes to my ceremony, spits out my deliciously/ ceremonially made tea and returns it more frothy than before and expects me to clean out spit from the cup.
Regardless of their opinions I always got a smile and a please come again at the end (while they were probably thinking, if I ever see you outside of this ceremony ideally I push you infront of an oncoming train. I never want to see you again, never come back even though I'm pretending I want you too. If the world ends and it comes down to only you and me, we are not going to repopulate this earth together, I rather it ended. That the whole of mankind suffers due to your unbelievable gestures and tea spitting.


Long Island Ice Tea. That's a dry joke, its not even bleedin' funny.


Japanese people have a great skill in that even when things are going bad or they hate your soul (like completely), they will give you a smile and a thank you. I bleedin' love it.
Imagine how many difficult situations could be deal with. All you need is a smile and a thank you (or an apology even though you didn't do anything wrong). Puts people off guard and creates a harmonious environment (known in Japan as WA).

There is an expression in Japan "Ocha shinai?" Won't you do tea?
And that means literally means "Won't you do tea?" but actually means, why don't we go to a tea house, drink tea and gaze into each others eyes. Hope some sparks fly (like a Nicholas Sparks movie THE NOTEBOOK!), then see where the nearest love hotel is. I thought it was funny, so I used that expression a few times (even though I had a g/f. I thought it might break the ice). Its a pretty dated expression and these days its more likely to be a Starbucks down the street, their matcha filled with sugar/ milk and never ending whip cream. YUM YUM!  I never spit that one out.


Coffee has become pretty popular these days and you can buy it heated (yes heated) from vending machines pretty much anywhere (probably even on Mt.Fuji but I'm not 100% sure, I've only been to some smaller mountains and they had it at the top). Fuji they might be worried of putting one there since next volcano blast its gonna melt the machine (but it will get that coffee real hot!)

The proper way to say tea shop is "Kissaten" written in Chinese characters as 喫茶店.  My Japanese teacher (white guy) told me he used to try to buy a coffee during the 1980's in Tokyo and he had to pay about $10 per coffee so that word kissaten was easy for him to remember, since it was "kiss a ten goodbye". LOL.

My ending sentence is the same as my beginning one, not smooth (like a tree's bark).

Mama always told me I wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed (like a bleedin' rubber hammer),



Looks so nice, but it tastes like sh$t! Add sugar like Starbucks and do not spit back into bowl. Trust me I know from experience. You may still get a smile (of hate).



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Sunday, June 26, 2016

Reverse Racism Good Bad Ugly

Reverse Racism Good Bad Ugly


Ah racism. Based on skin only. What a thing....


Oh, well in this case just sounds wrong.


I thought there was an expression "never judge a book by its cover", but I guess people pay that no heed (heed is a cool word, makes me sound British <PRE BREXIT British>). Funny?


When I was a kid I used to watch a lot of the Fox channel (don't judge!) They also have Simpsons and Family Guy.
During commercials they would say "RACISM. DON'T PLAY THAT GAME!"
I didn't know what Racism was. But I know it very well now. I don't play that game. But it did get played on me. I do play the GAME OF THRONES (and I'm trying to make everyone heed making me King). Tyrion Lanister is about to gain CASTERLY ROCK again (sorry that's a rave about my new favourite TV Show GAME OF THRONES).  If you don't get it you are not a G.O.Thrones FAN. Become one, its entertaining beneath the sex, deceit and dragons. In that precise order. I prefer the dragons myself (well actually also the sex).

I grew up in a very white town (some of those kids had probably never seen another skin type). I can't say I really understood racism till my cousin insulted my girlfriend who is now my wife (Chinese Canadian, born and raised in Canada). He looked at her "Your English is very good, when did you come to my country?" First off her English is the same as yours and you are judging her based on her skin. 2nd of all F#K you (if you are reading this I mean in a good F#K you way, if possible).


Now, that's positive racism. Or its just true so not sure its racism.



When I went to Japan I guess that's the first time I experienced real racism, both the good, the bad (and the ugly).

I think that regardless of your colour, they are going to be a bit of both in Japan. In other countries maybe only the bad. I'm not sure if South Africa still has "white is right attitude" but when I was 10 I watched a movie about it. I forget the name. Maybe The Gods Must be Crazy? Or was that about a coke bottle dropping from the sky. I forget.
On a completely different side note they weren't that nice to the aliens in District 9 either (if you didn't know District 9 draws parallels about racism and mistreatment in South Africa).

In this case, we could have known since day 1. Snap! Positive racism!



I saw some touching moments of hugs and genuine friendships happen with some elementary kids and a lot of the non white people (Maori from New Zealand, African Americans, Mexican Americans etc etc etc). I felt like the racism card hadn't entered the card deck yet. Not programmed yet.
In my experience of students I felt a little bit like CHARISMA MAN and then on the lower part of the scale like an alien invader that should be executed at first site (you should read my story about getting kicked in the face by a student).

Check this out if you are interested in Charisman Man, its semi-true. Rock Star, God, Too COOL.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charisma_Man
To throw a little science (call me Dr.Nye). This might be similar to the Halo effect (optical illusion). It appears like its a circle around the sun, but really its just an illusion (just look being a Rock Star is an illusion cause you aren't one. They only think that cause you are white and categorized together).


Some racism I experienced was both physical and verbal. Occasionally I laughed about it (but many times I didn't!)
I had a few kids as I mentioned previously that liked to rip my hair out of my arms and legs. It F#*#kn hurt like you wouldn't believe (about the same level as waterboarding. Look it up). Sometimes when you pull hair it bleeds, so I'd have blood dripping down my arms and staining my white shirt (and white skin too, that's not convenient having white skin). Rubbing suntan lotion on freshly scalped hair (ouch!). It was like throwing water on the sun (sizzle sizzle).
I also had a few kids that told me to "F off an die!", "Go home to your own country and die", "Filthy foreign demon, die". I didn't know if they meant it (Now I think they did).

I also had a girl that liked to pet me. I wasn't sure which area of racism this was under good or bad. She kept repeating "Your body is so strange! Its really weird". She would rub my fingers, arms, and put her grimy hands through my hair. The jokes on her I had lots of cheap gel in it! Nya nya! <- Evil cat laugh Japanese style.


I also had another girl that asked if I could hold her hand, Maybe she wanted to take me to the zoo or show her parents a monkey?
I felt weird about it so I did my best to avoid her (I told her I had SARS and ran away a number of times). I hoped she would think I got SARS, got over it then got it again.


As I mentioned before, I also had the joy of having my genitalia stared in public baths and onsens (hot springs). Yes I was different and because of that there seemed to be some Superman style beaming eyes burning into me, but sometimes curiosity kills the cat (I'm not suggesting anything diabolical here, just a running commentary if this is good or bad racism by being stared at).
It feels embarrassing, but it also feels good cause people want to see your genitalia (I try that here but I often get arrested for "lewd conduct"). Its not lewd, its a lesson of male anatomy (a perfect specimen). I don't get arrested its just a joke (I get away with it though, mwahhahah!) <- still evil laugh but not cat style one this time.

I didn't particularly appreciate being the literal outsider as the word GAIJIN (outside person means). Although depending on the context I liked to translate it as "foreign devil sent from the depths of hell to pollute the earth and stain the clean"). Heed my words (I used heed for the 3rd time, hat trick!)

On the flip side, many times I enjoyed being a ROCK STAR.
"You are berry (very) good looking", I was once told. "Rook (look) like David Beckham".
I couldn't really argue with that cause its true.


Ouch! That's the racist stuff right there.
Definitely not a positive way!


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Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Eat Fast, Sh$t Fast, Die Fast!

That's a nice expression.

You probably thought, I've come to the wrong blogpost, it sounds a little off (not only off from the centre, its justified! Like as in word format, justified! Not like Justin Timberlake).


It would help if its JUSTIFIED. Or not!


Well anywho.....

This nice expression I heard a few times. I wondered what was up with that. I noticed due to Japan having a lot of people there seemed to be a rush to do things fast.
I'm not sure if this is unique to Japan, or even to everyone.
Its more from the WWII days, so its a bit dated, but the point I guess is do your main functions fast.


EAT FAST

Many a time I would be trying to enjoy the first bites of my food when I was told we were going to leave the restaurant.
WTF? I just started eating though. I always considered filling up my pockets with whatever food it was (sushi, curry, tonkatsu, tempura). Cause I'm sure those will sit well in your pockets and not stain your groin area. If they do just say you went to bathroom in your pants (cause that's cool and adult-like).
I think soy sauce comes out well from clothes anyways, so not to worry (I'm kidding. Once its set in, you are screwed, I did it once to a pair of beige corduroys pants. I continued to wear them and people continued to point out there was a stain. A never ending cycle. I don't believe in throwing things out regardless of how stained they are or holes).

I was always the last to finish eating. I felt guilty (but not as bad as those people with dead hookers in their trunk. Shizam! Terrible I know). I would look around and everyone would wait for me. I knew they were not subtle hints when they said "Its getting late", "We need to go", "We are using a lot of valuable time".
But seriously if I don't have time to digest properly things might not sit well (and I really mean that).

Sh%t Fast

When it came to the bathroom there was good and bad.
The good was that I had to go and I seemed to be on a liquid only stool. I didn't need much time, everything came out from the faucet so to speak (graphic I know, but hey at least I didn't link it to curry).
The bad, I now linked it with curry while saying that, sorry. In addition, while it was fast, it was a repeat like a record stuck on one part forever (most of you probably don't even know what a record is, or an 8 bit NES. I am getting old. I used to think 8 bit was f'n amazing. Now people have 3D, 4K and 360 video/ games).

I had a few problems, not sure if due to the food or due to eating the food too fast.

Die Fast

 I sometimes repeat the expression myself to keep myself on track. As I can't seem to do it eat fast, sh%t fast, die fast. At least the first one. The other two, maybe. I haven't tried the third, but I'm sure its easy enough, you probably only need one try (and I'm not willing to do it, no matter what my psychologist tells you). My A.D.H.D (ADD)/ hypochondriac (anxious about health issues). psychotic state seems to have levelled itself due to the placebo pills of sugar. Cause you know sugar is always good for you (especially if nuts). By the way if I know its a placebo I'm not nuts, cause I'm tricking my mind into believing it. That means I'm part Star Wars JEDI (not Anakin though because "Spoiler alert" he's a bad one and becomes Darth VADER!)
I'm just kidding I don't have any of those or have a psychologist (yet), but after hearing this expression a few times, it definitely sent me closer to that path (of non enlightenment).
I may be slightly O.C.D, I like to wash my hands till my skin shines, but other than that I'm relatively normal (except for the dead hooker's in my trunk SHIZAM! I got you again).

There was only one thing I wanted while eating out in Japan (at a restaurant), I get to eat slowly, the other two can come later (sounds sexual somehow but its not).

Alas (that's a cool descriptive word), I see even now there is pressure from some people in the Japanese GOV'T to have elderly die fast to put less pressure on the medical care system. In the old days it was about doing what was ordered and dying on the lines in War. I guess both are similar and set to serve your country. Imagine doing that in Canada or U.S.A and being told to do it fast.

Some info here http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jan/22/elderly-hurry-up-die-japanese


READ IT FAST AND DIE! (as you can make more bandwith for others to read it. LOL, Funny!)


I used to think this looks like real cherries and the graphic were unreal! Wow. I'm that old.




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Saturday, April 30, 2016

Abe Sada our Lorena Bobbitt!

As a young boy I used to have a nightmare about a monster that cut off my pee wee (PEN15 if you catch my drift) in the night and ate it (you could become a member of our PEN15 club I used to say. All you need to do is write PEN15 on your arm in permanent marker. A few people fell for it. Highly entertaining).

I think the reason about the monster dream (or if you are Freud you might say "fantasy". although its no Disney adventure) because of the news at that time "Lorena Bobbitt". A lady who like to carve off chunks of turkey (only it was man turkey. Man turkey is code for pee wee, I'm trying to be subtle).


SLEEP ON THE COUCH, or you may get CUT!


It was quite a disturbing story (especially for a child. Much worse than the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST). If I recall it correctly  a wife found out her husband was cheating. She pretended she was being kinky and tied him up and then took out a light saber and sliced off his pee wee (cause that's totally typical Disney style. Well technically it is now, since STAR WARS got bought by Disney, but I mean generally. And still even in Star Wars they aim for wrists not pee wees (SPOILER ALERT ...... from the 70's). So far...... but more episodes to come so you never know).
She then took the so called sliced pee wee and put it in her pocket for later. I think she threw out out her car window. NASTY! 
That's the crazy bro!

Well guess what! Japan has the same thing, that predates that extraordinary fun adventure. Her name was ABE SADA. The name itself strikes fear into the hearts (and other areas) for men.
She was a jealous women who didn't want to share her man with anyone.
The funny thing was, she was a prostitute (so hard to be jealous of their wives). According to her life history she was a promiscuous prostitute and at one point an apprentice geisha (but failed to have any skills other than being promiscuous. It is a good skill to have I guess. By the way Geisha are not prostitutes that's just a Western misconception, anything sexual is on the side, not the purpose).
Let me give you a Star Wars analogy, since we are going down that path (of the dark side Luke!) Its like you are a Jedi Knight. You can do mind control, but cutting sh#t with your light saber is all bonus. You don't have to do it, you can already move sh$t with your mind.
Extra cream on the cake you might say (or not). It might be icing on the cake, but cream sounds tastier (I'm a bit off my rocker today and everyday).


That's some STAR WARS sh$t right there. Don't say ABE SADA 3 times or she appears (or Beetlejuice) !!


Anyways back to her story. After feeling like she found her one true love (give me a break), he asked her lover to leave his wife for her, and he said no (must have been a real surprise. That's sarcasm).
So she got all kinky and strangled him (the year was 1936 which is relevant in a minute). He cut off his pee wee and put it into her kimono sleeve (it wasn't a fancy Geisha kimono sleeve, it was probably a low class kimono if pertinent. If you aren't Japanese you probably don't care. Nor do you know if a kimono should be folded left to right or right to left. Let me teach you. Its always left over right unless dressing a corpse for a funeral. You can now dress yourself properly, you're welcome).
She kept his manhood, told the maids to let him sleep and left. She also carved Abe and the guys name "Ishida" together into his thigh with a knife. That's a nice touch. She could have taken up wood or ice carving (but skin always works as a canvas. Its so smooth. That's the sick sh$t people I was testing you!)

After she left, she tried to became sexually active with a severed man turkey. Very odd, nevertheless it didn't work (which shouldn't be a surprise as the corpora cavernosathe was severed and no blood to make it functional). I had to look through a urology textbook for that term. I'll add it to my resume.
Police came and she handed over "the part" from her kimono. I suspect they were like "Seriously lady, wtf!? That's the sick sh$t right there bro" I'm gonna keep using that the whole time so I hope its not annoying yet. 
Her name became synonymous with chopping the man turkey. If you say her name in a room full of men (not the young NEW GEN type, they probably have no idea), many men will instinctively put their hands on their privates (make sure they are old men. Benjamin Button type age).
Try it sometime. I did it, very funny, especially while drinking.
Or if someone puts a hand on your friends shoulder and they say who is it. Say its ABE SADA! I laughed pretty hard when I did that, but those guys were too young and didn't get it. I didn't care, I laughed anyways (nothing wrong with laughing at your own jokes).


Ha!


In the end Lorenna Bobbit's husband has his man turkey re-attached and started a band called SEVERED PARTS. He took his hand (or maybe not hand exactly) to try at porn.
He had two unsuccessful films "John Wayne Bobbit UNCUT" and "Frankenweenie". Please don't look them up, not worth it (not that I saw it).

As for "Ishida" he ended up dead, so nothing that great happened for him after the whole incident. 
No attempts at porn that I know of (that's the sick sh$t bro!)
Attempts at resurrection failed (so far. I'm still working on it).


Mine too. But no machine gun (so far. I'm working on it).



Some More ABE SADA history if you are into it.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sada_Abe




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Thursday, March 31, 2016

100% NO SMORKING!



Death by Smoking, or as I read sometimes NO SMORKING! Ha, funny! Kind of.

This blogpost is a bit of a rant and rave (not the rave with a glow-stick), with an overlying tone about smoking (smorking) in Japan.




OK. I think I know what to do. SMORK.



Surprise, you’re on candid camera (a cool TV show when I was a kid). Now its not candid and everything is on Youtube. Every last thing. From crunching your nuts on a rail to Justin Bieber (when he used to be a little boy singing from his bedroom and innocent, WTF happened!?). As a footnote (YA I'M PUTTING IT IN THE WRONG PLACE! I should mention I've noticed a staggering increase of cute cat videos. Strangely their origin is from Japan. But that's a different puzzle to solve (you might say like a Rubix cube. Its still less hard than licking your own elbow with your tongue. That's a fact, try it! If you are in public maybe not at this exact moment).

Exactly. Or you can take the colour stickers off and re add. I did that a lot!




Back to the topic at hand, or should I say lungs (HA! Funny for me, but not funny for smokers lungs).


WTF is with smoking (and WTF is with Justin Beiber, as a footnote again).
You are literally sucking in cancer.

Its hard to stop, and you are addicted to a drug/ narcotic called "nicotine" (or maybe I should make a catch phrase "cancertine". Regardless its bad for you! (and you probably don't need me to keep going on and on about it. Cancer isn't even the worse thing about it).
OK let me continue my rave (still without glow sticks. Glow sticks later), cause its sort of funny and could hit close to home. Do you like sex? If yes you shouldn't smoke. Why? Because it decreases blood flow to your special regions for both males and females. Have you ever seen that commercial where the guy is at a club, and a hot girl walks by, he starts to smoke and the cigarette bends. That's what happens! (like a glow stick snapping) 

I think this is the video. It brings back memories (not good ones. Not that I smoked. But I sometimes watched GI JOE and I wasn't supposed to. If I got caught, let's just say things didn't end well for me).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYu8crlRe9g



I should show that clip in Japan. Maybe they'd start burning piles of cigarettes like Kenya burns piles of ivory (its been in the news recently, so I'm trying to incorporate it to make it "current").




As you know, many people in the West have moved towards anti smoking movements and popular culture doesn't reference it like the (good) old days. But not in Asia, and especially Japan. Karaoke boxes, bars, etc stink! Worse than a campfire blowing in your face from 1 inch away (you know what I mean).

Hell in Japan if you are young, not much stopping you. You could even buy from a vending machine (or female panties if you prefer. Why not get both?) Most of the bad kids at my school smoked but I'm not sure if they stole them or they had a vending machine dealer (probably stole them, but that's just my opinion, which is almost always right).

When I first arrived in Japan the teachers smoked around the staff room with the windows open, so I was unlucky enough to have the smoke enter the room/ my lungs and my clothes. Since most of them were smokers, they didn't seem to care about the non smokers (the joy of being the minority, not only a devil foreigner but a non smoker. I think it would be even harder to be a women, so guess I shouldn't say life is that hard for me).



I also felt bad at restaurants or parks as people smoked very closely to non smokers and pregnant women. Seemed the clock had been turned back 50 years to what America once was. At least women have the right to vote (which happened in 1945, AND that's your history lesson for today, btw incase you aren't a mathmagician, 1945 is over 50 years from 2016, so maybe turn that clock back a bit further).




I recall one-time going to a restaurant and I requested non smoking. I thought it meant the smokers are locked in a glass cage with separate ventilation or outside patio so those poison toxins can disperse. But alas, it was not to be, non smoking may be a bit of a falsehood. There was a sign, half of restaurant said non smoking and the other half smoking. I hoped there was an invisible forcefield to prevent the smoke entrails from entering my large (devil-like foreign) nostrils. There wasn't.


I felt like I was in this box. Instead of having an area for the smokers.



Let me lay it down flat for you (like flat Earth Theory. By the way if you are adamant its true, why not take a boat around the world and see if you fall off).

Smoke goes different directions, its particles (basically the sh#t) in it, goes into your lungs, nostrils, clothes and about every other thing around you. The tables, your food has particles of sh#t thank to smokers. Why can't people smoke trees? They inhale carbon dioxide and breath out oxygen? I think that will be part of my new experiments with advancing the human anatomy (don't tell PETA, or any other organization that doesn't like me tampering with humans DNA, from the lowly chromosome up. I'm just kidding FYI (maybe). Don't walk through my block at night though, you might come out with an extra ear.

When I got home from that smokey restaurant, my wife commented
"Did you take up smoking? Cause you stink!"

At least not my body odour for once.



Of course! The answer is always INSULTING CHUCK NORRIS!


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Monday, February 29, 2016

Chikan those Damn Molesters!

Umm OK so the title is a bit awkward but its an ode to the truth.
Most people don't enjoy being molested / groped (I should say most. That sh%t isn't funny and its largely women who are the targets. You've probably seen it in the news recently).
I should say as its primarily men that are the predators, they deserve a taste of their own medicine in the worst way possible (stick it to the man you might say).

Well this is my experience sprinkled with a healthy dose of BS.
Enjoy!

I've come on the right train! Oh, maybe not.  



Before I had been to Japan I learned the word "Chikan". The combination of two Chinese characters meaning stupid man. Incase you didn't know it references how men generally are to women, stupid.
But the actual usage the word means groper or molester. Something you do not want to be called (and no I don't know from experience).

My teacher (a large white guy that had lived in Japan) had taught me the word in High School Japanese class. He informed me they even have books on how to do it, and he wanted one. Amazing I thought, oneday I should buy two of those (as a memento of a fu#cked up culture, NOT SO I could learn how to. Joke. I ALREADY KNOW! HA, kidding......). And the other book for that white guy Japanese teacher.

Anyways in Japan there are signs that say CHIKAN are criminals. As you can imagine normally you report a criminal.... in Japan this sort of crime, a bit hit and miss. I'm not sure if the older generation are too shy, or just accept it as something that happens (so don't make a big fuss). Sounds like the next generation is becoming less tolerant. I had a few students that told me if an old man even looks at them strange they yell and make a scene. Maybe things are changing.
I can't imagine anyone in Canada having the same problem. If someone yells "That dude just touched me" I suspect most people would help. And then as Russell Peters always says "someone gonna get a hurtin real bad". If you don't know what that means, you need to YouTube him, Funny guy (and no he isn't paying me to endorse him, unless he's reading this, then throw me some cash man, I'm wasting my time blogging).

I did have an attractive female Japanese friend who grew up in Canada and she carried a fork on return trips to Japan. I asked her what was with the fork and she said to stab the hands of chikan. LOL. They say violence isn't always the answer, but sometimes it is. Especially to those mofo's. Always look at a man's hands for forks marks, then you know what they do in their spare time.

My wife told me a story one time (she's not Japanese but she blends in with her Chinese Canadian looks). A chikan came after her so she walked away, instead of making a scene. How Japanese like.
She was pretty vague about it, but I had a feeling she didn't want me to go on a chikan hunt for him. I also planned to ask him to autograph the "how to book" whilst doing a citizens arrest (cause that's the way I roll).
With the autograph perhaps the value might sky rocket (to the Moon and back, just like Apollo 13. Fyi this is a funny joke for the highly space literate, or if you enjoy Tom Hanks movies).

The trains, especially during rush hour, are the best option to use the technique (this is not advice this is a fact, so don't get me wrong). Its like that movie "IDLE Hands" where the guy has a demon possessed hand that does what it wants and its detached. In this case though the hand's aren't detached (unless someone brings a really sharp fork), but they are most likely demon possessed (the person's brain as well, hence "stupid man").

Hmm, I might need some help figuring this one out. Assistance Vanna White?


The best trick is to pretend to read a newspaper and then let hands wander.
If its packed enough you don't even see where the hand is from like in my case. I recall onetime whilst being on a train in Tokyo during rush hour. I couldn't move and my legs were slightly apart due to my backpack between my feet.
I felt someone tickle my privates (WAIT what the fridge is going on!) I contemplated what kind of lady would do this. It was more than distracting. I repeated in my head what kind of a lady would do this.
Then I saw the hand as it reached higher, it looked like hair on it. I've never seen an Asian female with hair all over the back of the hand. This might be a gorilla OR...  !!!!!!!
WAIT A SECOND! This might not be a female it occurred to me. I did my best to move, so I could get away or tell the person to F off, but I couldn't move. Its like being stuck in a sardine can and you can't move. I mouthed F$%# off in English, but the person didn't comprehend it. I then said something like "I'm going to kill you" in Japanese. But the guy infront of me thought I meant him. He bowed his head down as if physically hurt. Unless my rage caused my telekinesis to start working again (you know move sh%t with your brain).
The hand slowly inched away, so whoever it was, got the message. I have a feeling that my rage while not unique to men, less about being hurt and more about hurting back, I wanted revenge.

If I had a fork it would have been a happy ending for me, stabbing his fingers. Turn his hand into Swiss Cheese. As I'm not a female I'm unsure how to say what its like but I imagine worse.

As I got off the train I looked as many people up and down as I could trying to determine who had gone for the gold. I couldn't figure out a suspect (it was slightly more complicated than Einstein's General Theory of Relativity which as I suspect you already know. My short explanation is that time Gravity warps space time and affects the bending of space time by gravitational attraction . I'd give a more thorough explanation, but I'm quite busy at the moment trying to unwind the double helix.)


I should mention that they are a few cars on the train or certain times when there are women only. Its written in English and in Japanese so there is no confusion. 
I know my father in law onetime got in one and wondered why so many women. LOL.
Since he looks Asian they must have thought the worst and hence avoided him like the black plague (its not that contagious don't worry about it).
If it says women only and you are not a women, DON'T GET ON! Unless you want to be murdered by forks!
Anyways regardless if its women only there are always going to be some perverts out there, as in my case, women only train wouldn't have helped. There are always "stupid men", perverts, molesters "chikan" around to get someone.


I hate you, but I also want your autograph for that book for market value gains.


Ain't dat the TRUTH! AMEN!


If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.


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