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Saturday, April 30, 2016

Abe Sada our Lorena Bobbitt!

As a young boy I used to have a nightmare about a monster that cut off my pee wee (PEN15 if you catch my drift) in the night and ate it (you could become a member of our PEN15 club I used to say. All you need to do is write PEN15 on your arm in permanent marker. A few people fell for it. Highly entertaining).

I think the reason about the monster dream (or if you are Freud you might say "fantasy". although its no Disney adventure) because of the news at that time "Lorena Bobbitt". A lady who like to carve off chunks of turkey (only it was man turkey. Man turkey is code for pee wee, I'm trying to be subtle).


SLEEP ON THE COUCH, or you may get CUT!


It was quite a disturbing story (especially for a child. Much worse than the WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST). If I recall it correctly  a wife found out her husband was cheating. She pretended she was being kinky and tied him up and then took out a light saber and sliced off his pee wee (cause that's totally typical Disney style. Well technically it is now, since STAR WARS got bought by Disney, but I mean generally. And still even in Star Wars they aim for wrists not pee wees (SPOILER ALERT ...... from the 70's). So far...... but more episodes to come so you never know).
She then took the so called sliced pee wee and put it in her pocket for later. I think she threw out out her car window. NASTY! 
That's the crazy bro!

Well guess what! Japan has the same thing, that predates that extraordinary fun adventure. Her name was ABE SADA. The name itself strikes fear into the hearts (and other areas) for men.
She was a jealous women who didn't want to share her man with anyone.
The funny thing was, she was a prostitute (so hard to be jealous of their wives). According to her life history she was a promiscuous prostitute and at one point an apprentice geisha (but failed to have any skills other than being promiscuous. It is a good skill to have I guess. By the way Geisha are not prostitutes that's just a Western misconception, anything sexual is on the side, not the purpose).
Let me give you a Star Wars analogy, since we are going down that path (of the dark side Luke!) Its like you are a Jedi Knight. You can do mind control, but cutting sh#t with your light saber is all bonus. You don't have to do it, you can already move sh$t with your mind.
Extra cream on the cake you might say (or not). It might be icing on the cake, but cream sounds tastier (I'm a bit off my rocker today and everyday).


That's some STAR WARS sh$t right there. Don't say ABE SADA 3 times or she appears (or Beetlejuice) !!


Anyways back to her story. After feeling like she found her one true love (give me a break), he asked her lover to leave his wife for her, and he said no (must have been a real surprise. That's sarcasm).
So she got all kinky and strangled him (the year was 1936 which is relevant in a minute). He cut off his pee wee and put it into her kimono sleeve (it wasn't a fancy Geisha kimono sleeve, it was probably a low class kimono if pertinent. If you aren't Japanese you probably don't care. Nor do you know if a kimono should be folded left to right or right to left. Let me teach you. Its always left over right unless dressing a corpse for a funeral. You can now dress yourself properly, you're welcome).
She kept his manhood, told the maids to let him sleep and left. She also carved Abe and the guys name "Ishida" together into his thigh with a knife. That's a nice touch. She could have taken up wood or ice carving (but skin always works as a canvas. Its so smooth. That's the sick sh$t people I was testing you!)

After she left, she tried to became sexually active with a severed man turkey. Very odd, nevertheless it didn't work (which shouldn't be a surprise as the corpora cavernosathe was severed and no blood to make it functional). I had to look through a urology textbook for that term. I'll add it to my resume.
Police came and she handed over "the part" from her kimono. I suspect they were like "Seriously lady, wtf!? That's the sick sh$t right there bro" I'm gonna keep using that the whole time so I hope its not annoying yet. 
Her name became synonymous with chopping the man turkey. If you say her name in a room full of men (not the young NEW GEN type, they probably have no idea), many men will instinctively put their hands on their privates (make sure they are old men. Benjamin Button type age).
Try it sometime. I did it, very funny, especially while drinking.
Or if someone puts a hand on your friends shoulder and they say who is it. Say its ABE SADA! I laughed pretty hard when I did that, but those guys were too young and didn't get it. I didn't care, I laughed anyways (nothing wrong with laughing at your own jokes).


Ha!


In the end Lorenna Bobbit's husband has his man turkey re-attached and started a band called SEVERED PARTS. He took his hand (or maybe not hand exactly) to try at porn.
He had two unsuccessful films "John Wayne Bobbit UNCUT" and "Frankenweenie". Please don't look them up, not worth it (not that I saw it).

As for "Ishida" he ended up dead, so nothing that great happened for him after the whole incident. 
No attempts at porn that I know of (that's the sick sh$t bro!)
Attempts at resurrection failed (so far. I'm still working on it).


Mine too. But no machine gun (so far. I'm working on it).



Some More ABE SADA history if you are into it.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sada_Abe




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Thursday, March 31, 2016

100% NO SMORKING!



Death by Smoking, or as I read sometimes NO SMORKING! Ha, funny! Kind of.

This blogpost is a bit of a rant and rave (not the rave with a glow-stick), with an overlying tone about smoking (smorking) in Japan.




OK. I think I know what to do. SMORK.



Surprise, you’re on candid camera (a cool TV show when I was a kid). Now its not candid and everything is on Youtube. Every last thing. From crunching your nuts on a rail to Justin Bieber (when he used to be a little boy singing from his bedroom and innocent, WTF happened!?). As a footnote (YA I'M PUTTING IT IN THE WRONG PLACE! I should mention I've noticed a staggering increase of cute cat videos. Strangely their origin is from Japan. But that's a different puzzle to solve (you might say like a Rubix cube. Its still less hard than licking your own elbow with your tongue. That's a fact, try it! If you are in public maybe not at this exact moment).

Exactly. Or you can take the colour stickers off and re add. I did that a lot!




Back to the topic at hand, or should I say lungs (HA! Funny for me, but not funny for smokers lungs).


WTF is with smoking (and WTF is with Justin Beiber, as a footnote again).
You are literally sucking in cancer.

Its hard to stop, and you are addicted to a drug/ narcotic called "nicotine" (or maybe I should make a catch phrase "cancertine". Regardless its bad for you! (and you probably don't need me to keep going on and on about it. Cancer isn't even the worse thing about it).
OK let me continue my rave (still without glow sticks. Glow sticks later), cause its sort of funny and could hit close to home. Do you like sex? If yes you shouldn't smoke. Why? Because it decreases blood flow to your special regions for both males and females. Have you ever seen that commercial where the guy is at a club, and a hot girl walks by, he starts to smoke and the cigarette bends. That's what happens! (like a glow stick snapping) 

I think this is the video. It brings back memories (not good ones. Not that I smoked. But I sometimes watched GI JOE and I wasn't supposed to. If I got caught, let's just say things didn't end well for me).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYu8crlRe9g



I should show that clip in Japan. Maybe they'd start burning piles of cigarettes like Kenya burns piles of ivory (its been in the news recently, so I'm trying to incorporate it to make it "current").




As you know, many people in the West have moved towards anti smoking movements and popular culture doesn't reference it like the (good) old days. But not in Asia, and especially Japan. Karaoke boxes, bars, etc stink! Worse than a campfire blowing in your face from 1 inch away (you know what I mean).

Hell in Japan if you are young, not much stopping you. You could even buy from a vending machine (or female panties if you prefer. Why not get both?) Most of the bad kids at my school smoked but I'm not sure if they stole them or they had a vending machine dealer (probably stole them, but that's just my opinion, which is almost always right).

When I first arrived in Japan the teachers smoked around the staff room with the windows open, so I was unlucky enough to have the smoke enter the room/ my lungs and my clothes. Since most of them were smokers, they didn't seem to care about the non smokers (the joy of being the minority, not only a devil foreigner but a non smoker. I think it would be even harder to be a women, so guess I shouldn't say life is that hard for me).



I also felt bad at restaurants or parks as people smoked very closely to non smokers and pregnant women. Seemed the clock had been turned back 50 years to what America once was. At least women have the right to vote (which happened in 1945, AND that's your history lesson for today, btw incase you aren't a mathmagician, 1945 is over 50 years from 2016, so maybe turn that clock back a bit further).




I recall one-time going to a restaurant and I requested non smoking. I thought it meant the smokers are locked in a glass cage with separate ventilation or outside patio so those poison toxins can disperse. But alas, it was not to be, non smoking may be a bit of a falsehood. There was a sign, half of restaurant said non smoking and the other half smoking. I hoped there was an invisible forcefield to prevent the smoke entrails from entering my large (devil-like foreign) nostrils. There wasn't.


I felt like I was in this box. Instead of having an area for the smokers.



Let me lay it down flat for you (like flat Earth Theory. By the way if you are adamant its true, why not take a boat around the world and see if you fall off).

Smoke goes different directions, its particles (basically the sh#t) in it, goes into your lungs, nostrils, clothes and about every other thing around you. The tables, your food has particles of sh#t thank to smokers. Why can't people smoke trees? They inhale carbon dioxide and breath out oxygen? I think that will be part of my new experiments with advancing the human anatomy (don't tell PETA, or any other organization that doesn't like me tampering with humans DNA, from the lowly chromosome up. I'm just kidding FYI (maybe). Don't walk through my block at night though, you might come out with an extra ear.

When I got home from that smokey restaurant, my wife commented
"Did you take up smoking? Cause you stink!"

At least not my body odour for once.



Of course! The answer is always INSULTING CHUCK NORRIS!


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Monday, February 29, 2016

Chikan those Damn Molesters!

Umm OK so the title is a bit awkward but its an ode to the truth.
Most people don't enjoy being molested / groped (I should say most. That sh%t isn't funny and its largely women who are the targets. You've probably seen it in the news recently).
I should say as its primarily men that are the predators, they deserve a taste of their own medicine in the worst way possible (stick it to the man you might say).

Well this is my experience sprinkled with a healthy dose of BS.
Enjoy!

I've come on the right train! Oh, maybe not.  



Before I had been to Japan I learned the word "Chikan". The combination of two Chinese characters meaning stupid man. Incase you didn't know it references how men generally are to women, stupid.
But the actual usage the word means groper or molester. Something you do not want to be called (and no I don't know from experience).

My teacher (a large white guy that had lived in Japan) had taught me the word in High School Japanese class. He informed me they even have books on how to do it, and he wanted one. Amazing I thought, oneday I should buy two of those (as a memento of a fu#cked up culture, NOT SO I could learn how to. Joke. I ALREADY KNOW! HA, kidding......). And the other book for that white guy Japanese teacher.

Anyways in Japan there are signs that say CHIKAN are criminals. As you can imagine normally you report a criminal.... in Japan this sort of crime, a bit hit and miss. I'm not sure if the older generation are too shy, or just accept it as something that happens (so don't make a big fuss). Sounds like the next generation is becoming less tolerant. I had a few students that told me if an old man even looks at them strange they yell and make a scene. Maybe things are changing.
I can't imagine anyone in Canada having the same problem. If someone yells "That dude just touched me" I suspect most people would help. And then as Russell Peters always says "someone gonna get a hurtin real bad". If you don't know what that means, you need to YouTube him, Funny guy (and no he isn't paying me to endorse him, unless he's reading this, then throw me some cash man, I'm wasting my time blogging).

I did have an attractive female Japanese friend who grew up in Canada and she carried a fork on return trips to Japan. I asked her what was with the fork and she said to stab the hands of chikan. LOL. They say violence isn't always the answer, but sometimes it is. Especially to those mofo's. Always look at a man's hands for forks marks, then you know what they do in their spare time.

My wife told me a story one time (she's not Japanese but she blends in with her Chinese Canadian looks). A chikan came after her so she walked away, instead of making a scene. How Japanese like.
She was pretty vague about it, but I had a feeling she didn't want me to go on a chikan hunt for him. I also planned to ask him to autograph the "how to book" whilst doing a citizens arrest (cause that's the way I roll).
With the autograph perhaps the value might sky rocket (to the Moon and back, just like Apollo 13. Fyi this is a funny joke for the highly space literate, or if you enjoy Tom Hanks movies).

The trains, especially during rush hour, are the best option to use the technique (this is not advice this is a fact, so don't get me wrong). Its like that movie "IDLE Hands" where the guy has a demon possessed hand that does what it wants and its detached. In this case though the hand's aren't detached (unless someone brings a really sharp fork), but they are most likely demon possessed (the person's brain as well, hence "stupid man").

Hmm, I might need some help figuring this one out. Assistance Vanna White?


The best trick is to pretend to read a newspaper and then let hands wander.
If its packed enough you don't even see where the hand is from like in my case. I recall onetime whilst being on a train in Tokyo during rush hour. I couldn't move and my legs were slightly apart due to my backpack between my feet.
I felt someone tickle my privates (WAIT what the fridge is going on!) I contemplated what kind of lady would do this. It was more than distracting. I repeated in my head what kind of a lady would do this.
Then I saw the hand as it reached higher, it looked like hair on it. I've never seen an Asian female with hair all over the back of the hand. This might be a gorilla OR...  !!!!!!!
WAIT A SECOND! This might not be a female it occurred to me. I did my best to move, so I could get away or tell the person to F off, but I couldn't move. Its like being stuck in a sardine can and you can't move. I mouthed F$%# off in English, but the person didn't comprehend it. I then said something like "I'm going to kill you" in Japanese. But the guy infront of me thought I meant him. He bowed his head down as if physically hurt. Unless my rage caused my telekinesis to start working again (you know move sh%t with your brain).
The hand slowly inched away, so whoever it was, got the message. I have a feeling that my rage while not unique to men, less about being hurt and more about hurting back, I wanted revenge.

If I had a fork it would have been a happy ending for me, stabbing his fingers. Turn his hand into Swiss Cheese. As I'm not a female I'm unsure how to say what its like but I imagine worse.

As I got off the train I looked as many people up and down as I could trying to determine who had gone for the gold. I couldn't figure out a suspect (it was slightly more complicated than Einstein's General Theory of Relativity which as I suspect you already know. My short explanation is that time Gravity warps space time and affects the bending of space time by gravitational attraction . I'd give a more thorough explanation, but I'm quite busy at the moment trying to unwind the double helix.)


I should mention that they are a few cars on the train or certain times when there are women only. Its written in English and in Japanese so there is no confusion. 
I know my father in law onetime got in one and wondered why so many women. LOL.
Since he looks Asian they must have thought the worst and hence avoided him like the black plague (its not that contagious don't worry about it).
If it says women only and you are not a women, DON'T GET ON! Unless you want to be murdered by forks!
Anyways regardless if its women only there are always going to be some perverts out there, as in my case, women only train wouldn't have helped. There are always "stupid men", perverts, molesters "chikan" around to get someone.


I hate you, but I also want your autograph for that book for market value gains.


Ain't dat the TRUTH! AMEN!


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Sunday, January 31, 2016

How to Raise a Dragon (child)

How to Raise a Dragon (or child) or dragon-child.

Yes, kids at times can be annoying, ever so slightly I admit.

This title is a spin on a kid’s movies. Also, because its talking about Asian kids I’m associating them with Dragons. Because at least in China everyone wants to raise a Dragon (and perhaps ride one too), which is where my story comes into play (kind of).
Id like to point out a scientific point of "symbiosis" in that kind of relationship. You can raise the dragon and in turn it lets you ride it.  
Its a perfect relationship. Maybe if you pull its tail it will spit fire too and in turn it gets BBQ meat. Everyone wins except for the people being turned into BBQ I suppose.

Now back to raising kids and less about Dragons (unless you are interested then FYI I'm on the hunt of one now. I found some burnt cows, nothing left but teeth. Wish me luck. This might be my last blogpost if things don't go well).

Now back to the blogpost at hand!
Kids can be terrors, if you don’t know, you can take my word for it.
Most of you one day will create life and with it, its power! (and terror too!)

I feel like you will make Frankenstein based on the terror part. You probably won't (I hope). Unless you are Donald Trump. Then you may be trying to make a Lex Luthor child to rule the world and destroy SUPERMAN! (but that's a question to be asked at the next Republican primary, haha). Mr.Trump, should you be reading this its just a joke, I apologize if its in bad taste, but don't sue me for my billions (of pennies.......... ......again!)


Incase you didn’t know I have two children
(I guess the rumour is out I’m no Mary Magdalene) unless the children were immaculately conceived .....again!  I like adding "again" to things, makes it doubly as funny.

Kids. They are entertaining. This sounds like the right kind of teacher to have. I don't recall mine ever doing it.

Our children are of two worlds like Spock (from Star Trek. You know the dude with pointy ears!).
As you know Spock is half human and half Vulcan. No my children are not aliens from another world, but they are from two cultures, or perhaps three one might say. As the margarita's are in James Bond, shaken not stirred! (or martini's, whatever it is)

Momma is Chinese Canadian which means her side is into Dragons, daddies side mixed European (from the time of the big bang) but became typical Caucasian Canadian which means beavers and lumberjacks (that sounds very wrong somehow).
We both studied and lived in Japan, so that's our adopted culture (Ninja's, Samurai and Hello Kitty).
Somewhere in the middle we raise our kids. As it sounds, its an interesting mix.

Right and wrong may be subjective, depending on the culture. Some things are exact opposites.

In our case, we hug and kiss our children a lot. Use expressions like "I love you'. If I were in Japan I might say "you dishonor me", "you shame your family and its past generations". That's a heavy helping of sarcasm fyi, but its not an outright lie. There is an extra burden in Japan, of not only representing oneself, but of the family, the name and the legacy. One small slip of the domino and the chain reaction occurs.

If it were Japan distancing ourselves emotionally might be the preferred option. In ancient times teaching them how to be Samurai (now somewhat too) and live by the Samurai code (and go around slicing sh$t too). That's only a little sarcasm, the slicing sh%t is fun.
I've never enjoyed physically harming people (unless they are choking me in Judo, then I rage, till I pass out).
Having tight control over what children do, including the seriousness attached to study might be more important in Chinese and Japanese cultures than "typical" Canadian.
Life is short (unless you are immortal), so why not enjoy? I rather they have fun and play then locked in their room studying and memorizing useless stats (that's what the internet is for, well and for porn of course).

We could lock them in their room to study but I prefer they read nonsensical books like Thomas, play with Lego, step on anthills (not those fire ants, they hurt), burn sh%t with magnifying glasses etc. I used to do the last two. I also peed on Lego onetime (indoors). I hope the person's Lego it was, isn't reading this, but he might be. Sorry about that, we do stupid things when we are kids (15 years old?).
That's the way I want them to grow up (except for peeing on LEGO, that was not funny at the time, Although I do laugh about it now).

Beating kids is not nice nor does it instill in them kindness and love. I've met a few Chinese parents of the beating persuasion and I was not impressed. I wondered if they would like it if someone would do that to them. Maybe I'll choke them with a Judo move (and those MOFO's will pass out).
Unfortunately a lot of us are recycling the way we were brought up. The mold is set one might say.

I recall onetime witnessing a Japanese child get hit on their head during a meal. I had already told him from my point of view what he had done is nothing (playing mahjong at school), so what's the worst that could happen. After he got hit a few times in the ears and head I realized that was only in my culture not his. Whoops! I think I shouldn't have told him no problem. I should have said "Dude you are fu#(ked".

I also heard stories of children getting hit on the hands with chopsticks when they didn't listen.
It seems to be we all have a choice, raising a child with love and in turn will treat you with respect, or you can punish them with pain and they fear you (that sounds like some deep Nietzsche right there. Don't get it? Look him up).

For me the fear and pain to the child I created with my DNA, is not an option.
If I found out, the child was the milkman's, I might recant that statement. HA!


Uh OK, seems like a good note to leave the blospost ending on. And no it wasn't written by me (again!).




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Thursday, December 31, 2015

Religion and the Big J!

Religion and the Big J!

Disclaimer
Hopefully you don't get easily offended by anything to do with religion (its quite light hearted), if you do please stop reading this, its mostly in jest as everything I write is (except for the truth and facts I present).



You may be thinking uh oh, no he didn't! This is going get him crucified (like the letter t, not big J).

He chose the wrong topic this time of year (Dec).
A little bit of yes, and a little bit of no.
The big J I am referring to is of course my topic of this blog, Japan. Not the other J (well, mostly. Its called misdirection in magic circles. Make you think I'm not going to walk that line, then pull out the big guns).
As I have previously alluded to in other blogposts, Japan is a strange place when it comes to religion. You see stats are often skewed (fu$ked up). Some Japanese may see themselves as one religion or multiple! (As the great JayZ once said, jigga what!?)
Imagine that in Pakistan or India! Instead of getting stoned to death for having inter-religions marriages, people could be multi-religious. Maybe Pakistan and India wouldn't even need to be split anymore (fyi I'm referring to the partition of the two states based on religious ethos. Too deep for you? Its better than a religious joke....... maybe).

You see in Japan some may celebrate funerals the Buddhist way, weddings the Christian way and New Years the Shinto way. On top of that, in daily life follow Confucian morals (filial piety and such, if you catch my drift. Maybe too deep again? Its as deep as the Marianas trench, the deepest trench on the planet. Not to be confused with the band "Marianas Trench", which funny enough is also from Vancouver, the least "deep rock' scene I've heard of on the planet. Must be an oxymoron, sorta).

By devoting only certain times to each religion they are essentially utilizing what religion is convenient at that time. That's nice and would probably help make the world a more peaceful place (imagine Israel! On a side note did Brad Pitt ever clear out the World War Z{ombies}yet?).

LOL. Highly amusing! 


Not one religious doctrine or holy book driving the average Japanese person's existence, nor a commitment to only one divine power. Could it work anywhere else in the world? I'm not convinced (using history as my judgement hammer). Religion is like a plants photosynthesis, we seem to think need it, until it can be replaced with science & technology. In the case of plants I'm pointing to the replacement of the chemical chlorophyll via artificial means. I guess you didn't know I'm well read in botany and biochemistry (between raising two children and doing brain surgeries on the side). 
I'll write the chemical equations of photosynthesis below when I have a chance for you science types (I sometimes misdirect myself off topic magician style).

Oh ya I found the time to write it here. Hope you like it. Probably easier to understand than my description. Contact your neighborhood biochemist who has a doctorate for a breakdown.

In the case of religion I mean our expanding knowledge of the World and the Cosmos helps us to greater understand how things work. Is it time and location which primarily drives what religion we are; Greek gods, Pagan Gods, parents religion, now vs Egyptian times etc.
Technology is also helping us to be less inclined to look to the heavens and pray for replacement limbs, cancer treatments and medicines. 
Be thankful to your luck of being born in this day in age, instead of in the past, where the only thing that helps you get through each day is wishful thinking.
Imagine in the old days when having a baby was a death sentence, not getting enough vitamin C falling prey to scurvy.

In the case of Japan I always felt no one read too deeply or serious into religion (except for Aum Shinrikyo who as a normal Doomsday cult is, tried to bring end times with sarin gas on trains). In general, even if someone identified as only one religion they still appeared quite tolerant of other religions.

Even one of our resident Buddhist teachers who was quite a serious laugh had a few chuckles at his own expense.
I recall one-day about -5 C and heavy snow. One of the bad kids, took his clothes off, ran out into the snow and sat in the middle of the courtyard for all the other kids to see.
He chanted ``fake`` Buddhist mantra`s loud while sitting with legs wrapped yoga style, butt naked in the snow­. I laughed pretty hard, after I noticed a lot of the kids looking out the windows the Buddhist teacher went out to talk to him. He kept chanting. Finally he carried him inside, butt naked, snow falling everywhere (and probably making melting snow puddles which are a clear danger. There were no SLIPPERY WHEN WET signs).
The Buddhist teacher laughed and asked him what he was doing.
He continued to chant. He walked away without clothes on.
I think he thought everyone was laughing with him, but I thought perhaps they may be laughing at him, as the snow and cold had shrunk his family jewels. He didn't seem overly concerned.


Is this the big gun for last? Well it definitely made me laugh. Hopefully this is funny to you. Snicker snicker.

Neil received a lot of hate including being called anti-Christian. If spreading enthusiasm of his favourite scientist's birth-date is anti-Christian we are in for deeper issues than Mariana's Trench (no not the band!)




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Monday, November 30, 2015

Rise of the ROBOTS!


Rise of the ROBOTS! 

Intergalactic Planetary Planetary Intergalactic

Another Dimension, Another Dimension!


Robots and dancing! That's a future I like.As a side note the picture says robotto (robot duh) and intergalactic, if you can't read our Robotic language.


I’ve always wondered what’s with the fascination with Robots and Japan.
I guess its part of the futuristic spin we propagate (that's a cool word) about Japan.

A lot of movies are about Robots and the future of tech in Japan.
I wonder if that’s the only reason.

I sometimes wonder if the Robots are based on the people. Docile, quiet and logical (MR.ROBOTO!).

You see I have a theory, which is based on some fact (not as much as heliocentric theory), so maybe its a hypothesis. I like to hypothesize things.  Someone give me a pipe and a spectrometer (I actually mean a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes, but I'm trying to sound intelligent. Is it working? Probably not.)
Aha! I've got it Watson! Complimentary, complimentary.


Let me explain myself here so you don’t think I’m a riceist (yes that's no spelling mistake). As you may have read in my previous blogposts every student gets the same wrong answer, or the same incorrect pronunciation. Its like their programming is the same.
My hypothesis, based on the little evidence I have, is someone is copying the other or how can everyone come to the same conclusion (I don't have DNA samples {yet!}). The answer is due to everyone having a positronic Robot brain! (positronic is showing as wrong in my spell checker, but I think Issac Asminov created the word so add it to your dictionary, or in this case your positronic brains).

These Robots are built in the same factory, to have the same thinking. Follow the hive commands and do as they are instructed (don't eat the honey!)

Or perhaps................... its the nails in the Robots.

You see in Japan the saying goes that the nail that sticks up gets hammered down, society is conforming you (or maybe contorting you. Like a pretzel!)
In the West, thinking out of the box is welcomed and congratulated, in Japan, thinking out of the box is met with shame and dishonour (which may lead to Seppuku – the act of disembowelment. Its not pretty, not that I've ever seen it, its not the Samurai days anymore). You might get beat back into that box, like a Jack in the box, only you can’t pop out....... ever!


You better follow or you have to do this. If you do I hope with a straw only I hope.

In the West we celebrate our uniqueness, but in Japan, you fall in line and bow to authority, no questions are to be made, the idea is to be the same. Don't break with the movement.
To put it in perspective for you "For one and all!" (like a Mouseketeer or maybe a Musketeer!)

I can tell you from experience even if I didn't stand out based on my physical features white, blond hair, body ape hair, my expressions would give me away. Whilst most people beat around the bush on topics I always to get straight to the point. 
Whilst in Japan you are supposed to announce in a sentence when you are changing topics, I just just chane them every minute for amusement and I don't warn them (evil I know mhwhahah). 

My friend Linus told me about a lineup in McDonald's onetime. A large line of people waiting for one cashier, but beside her another cashier waiting for someone, anyone to come to her. No one dared to enter the line as it was "outside the box". 

Line up and be a Robot or risk disembowelment I guess.



OH SNAP!



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Sunday, October 18, 2015

Along came a Tanuki

Along came a Tanuki?

Tanuki is a strange animal, its translated in English as "raccoon dog". It will probably give you rabies (yes the one that turns you into a zombie. Unless you want to become a zombie. I'm slightly tempted. My brain is half mush anyways).
If you've been to Japan you've probably seen one (not zombies, I mean a Tanuki, probably not alive, no not from zombies.). 

The Tanuki statues can be seen everywhere from shops to forests. Its an animal that stands up like a dog on his hind legs. But, you might notice something strange about it.
Let me paint you a picture (with my stroke(s). Sounds perverted I know). 
It has huge balls! And I'm not talking about soccer balls. Shizing! (that's my own cool sound effect). 
I'm talking huge (and by huge I mean like as big as the blob). 
I hope you know the blob (he's a comic book bad guy).

I once asked a Japanese friend what's with the Tanuki's all over the place.

"Oh, wealth and prosperity", he told me nonchalantly.
As if their big balls would bring you everything you wanted, you just need to rub the genie or this case.......the balls? I noticed many hands were attracted there and many a picture taken (I'm envious).

I wonder if I should erect (yeah I did say erect) one in Canada (by the way erect is synonymous with balls so snap a word match!). 
No holding back around here (mofo's).

Wealth and prosperity only? Well that's not all I was thinking, more something he has that's visible from a mile away. Maybe his prosperity isn't based on moola/ money (if you know what I mean. Ba boom!). That means its love based for a breakdown of my ba boom for you innocent unicorn loving folks.

Dude, you got a Tanuki tattoo? Its OK maybe it will rub off, its only permanent. Having large balls on your arm equals very cool.


It occurred to me that the word "kintama" in Japanese means testicles, but more literally translated as "Golden balls", and as a sidenote, "YOU gotta catch them all!" 
Although that sounds painful (unless you're neurotic, it might be enjoyable. Look that big word up! I spent 4 years at Uni to learn that word).
I also say that "Catch them all" phrase as a word play on Dragon Ball Z (2nd wordplay now, yeah I'm tallying). If you have no idea what I'm talking about you aren't the manga/ anime nerd I hoped you were (Not to worry there's still time).
This is funny if you know Dragon Ball Z & a double play on recent news. I'm killing it with wordplay (3rd time!).


Supposedly, Tanuki play into Japanese stories/lore about being sneaky/ sly (mostly interchangeable with a fox, but that's a side deviance). Due to their biological advantage of having large testicles (I'm envious) metal workers enjoyed them for metal work.
Am I saying all metal workers have small testicles? No! 
Why then you ask? (even if you didn't ask I'm telling you).
The story goes that gold could be hammered within a Tanuki's testicles to flatten it most efficiently. Since it was soft and didn't break (stretches nicely) it was a great material to use. I hope not while alive (I'm not envious of that part).

I hope you enjoyed your lesson today about Tanuki's, large balls and wordplay.

I'm going for the gold with one more wordplay coming.

I think my necrosis is making an appearance again so I have to go (not to be confused with necrophilia. Although I dabble in necromancy occasionally, like raising the living dead etc, zombies and the such.)

Snap!


Don't miss the picture and caption below.


This Tanuki has big balls (expression) but to attempt the feat to Mordor, I eulogize him (not euthanize him. Technically I could). The future is in his hands for all of Middle Earth!



If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.


Other funny stories from this blog 


My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )



My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)



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