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Sunday, October 18, 2015

Along came a Tanuki

Along came a Tanuki?

Tanuki is a strange animal, its translated in English as "raccoon dog". It will probably give you rabies (yes the one that turns you into a zombie. Unless you want to become a zombie. I'm slightly tempted. My brain is half mush anyways).
If you've been to Japan you've probably seen one (not zombies, I mean a Tanuki, probably not alive, no not from zombies.). 

The Tanuki statues can be seen everywhere from shops to forests. Its an animal that stands up like a dog on his hind legs. But, you might notice something strange about it.
Let me paint you a picture (with my stroke(s). Sounds perverted I know). 
It has huge balls! And I'm not talking about soccer balls. Shizing! (that's my own cool sound effect). 
I'm talking huge (and by huge I mean like as big as the blob). 
I hope you know the blob (he's a comic book bad guy).

I once asked a Japanese friend what's with the Tanuki's all over the place.

"Oh, wealth and prosperity", he told me nonchalantly.
As if their big balls would bring you everything you wanted, you just need to rub the genie or this case.......the balls? I noticed many hands were attracted there and many a picture taken (I'm envious).

I wonder if I should erect (yeah I did say erect) one in Canada (by the way erect is synonymous with balls so snap a word match!). 
No holding back around here (mofo's).

Wealth and prosperity only? Well that's not all I was thinking, more something he has that's visible from a mile away. Maybe his prosperity isn't based on moola/ money (if you know what I mean. Ba boom!). That means its love based for a breakdown of my ba boom for you innocent unicorn loving folks.

Dude, you got a Tanuki tattoo? Its OK maybe it will rub off, its only permanent. Having large balls on your arm equals very cool.

It occurred to me that the word "kintama" in Japanese means testicles, but more literally translated as "Golden balls", and as a sidenote, "YOU gotta catch them all!" 
Although that sounds painful (unless you're neurotic, it might be enjoyable. Look that big word up! I spent 4 years at Uni to learn that word).
I also say that "Catch them all" phrase as a word play on Dragon Ball Z (2nd wordplay now, yeah I'm tallying). If you have no idea what I'm talking about you aren't the manga/ anime nerd I hoped you were (Not to worry there's still time).
This is funny if you know Dragon Ball Z & a double play on recent news. I'm killing it with wordplay (3rd time!).

Supposedly, Tanuki play into Japanese stories/lore about being sneaky/ sly (mostly interchangeable with a fox, but that's a side deviance). Due to their biological advantage of having large testicles (I'm envious) metal workers enjoyed them for metal work.
Am I saying all metal workers have small testicles? No! 
Why then you ask? (even if you didn't ask I'm telling you).
The story goes that gold could be hammered within a Tanuki's testicles to flatten it most efficiently. Since it was soft and didn't break (stretches nicely) it was a great material to use. I hope not while alive (I'm not envious of that part).

I hope you enjoyed your lesson today about Tanuki's, large balls and wordplay.

I'm going for the gold with one more wordplay coming.

I think my necrosis is making an appearance again so I have to go (not to be confused with necrophilia. Although I dabble in necromancy occasionally, like raising the living dead etc, zombies and the such.)


Don't miss the picture and caption below.

This Tanuki has big balls (expression) but to attempt the feat to Mordor, I eulogize him (not euthanize him. Technically I could). The future is in his hands for all of Middle Earth!

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Saturday, September 26, 2015

Once upon a CRIME

Oh snap! A crime you say? What could it be?

I wanted to recant the tale I enjoyed with of one of my Brazilian acquaintances. I don't want to say friend, because he wasn't my friend, and and I had a strange inkling (feeling) he might kill me.

Just to give some backstory, there are many Brazilians in Japan (majority of Japanese decent). In the old racist days, Canada and the USA had a white only policy unless you had big bucks. But Brazil had lots of land to farm and fish to cook (or catch), whatever sounds more fairly-tale like.

Many Japanese went to Brazil and their ancestors (not that long ago), became Japanese Brazilians. Many lost their language and culture (then came the ORCISH HORDES TO OBLITERATE the heathen. WAIT that might be WARCRAFT ignore that part).

Now Japan needs workers to do factory work and a declining population to sustain those jobs so they looked to the people that might fit well back into their society (people of Japanese decent are good idea they thought).

There were many Brazilians I met from all walks of life in Japan. Many of the students I got along with fabulously, as we were all in the same boat and sinking together in Japan (language, culture, food whatever).

I did meet a few rougher around the edges Brazilians. One was a muscular guy that did Tae Kwon Doe his name was Akira. His name was like the famous anime if you don't know it called AKIRA.
I felt like he was the kind of leader of a gang with gold chains and sweatpants. His track style jacket blew in the wind and his thick hair moved slightly in the wind (due to gel I think).

Like this bike for the movie AKIRA, but this guy isn't half as cool.

As I probably mentioned in a previously blog story, one day I was walking and he pulled up in a car. It was odd, because I didn't know he had a car and two he was in the my neck of the woods. He asked me if I wanted a ride (not really I thought). "Sure", I answered. Dumb.....

Hopefully he won't kill me whilst driving. Either with a knife or the car.

As we started to drive he turned his music up (Brazilian rap), no doubt saying F the Canadians!
I told him nice car. He said "I stole it". I considered jumping out while it was moving, but thought he'd win and get his way by killing me.

"Umm is it a joke?", I asked.

I should have realized, it would be like this.

He didn't answer.
I had a vision of me driving down the street and getting stopped by the police. Them looking at me and asking why a nice rule abiding citizen driving around with a car thief.
Then I popped back to reality (Whoops there goes gravity. That's an Eminem line fyi, if you aren't a hipster like me).
We drove by the police station (police box in Japan) at a high speed. If that won't get their attention I wasn't sure what would.
He drove across town to a building I'd never seen. He stopped. A few thugs got out speaking in Portuguese. I wasn't sure if they were saying if they wanted to say hello or wanted to F me up.
I tried my only Portuguese I knew, "GOOD MORNING! BONJIA!" They smiled. I figured if there was an attempt to f me up at this point I was going to repeat good morning until it stopped.
Some smiles all around. Talking of which I didn't understand one word. I was in the hood, in Japan. And there were no Japanese.

I picked up my phone like the actor I am (a crappy one), "Umm Akira, my girlfriend asked me to come home for dinner". He looked at me, "Its 4PM.".


"She likes to eat early and she's very strict with me", I said.
The strict part is true.

He took me back. He seemed to want to dance in the car on the way back with the song (we didn't have Taylor Swift back then). I did a little Bollywood music video dance, and he laughed.
I didn't get killed, maybe due to that dance.

He asked me where I lived. Sh%t.

"Uhhh near a rice field", hoping to be as vague as possible..

"Ya but you are in a hurry, where? I drive you home", he said.

"No its all good, where you picked me up, I'll run home for exercise".

I got out and ran for the hills (in this case the rice fields).

A few weeks later I was at the judo club and saw someone who knew him. "Hey I heard you went on a joyride in Akira's car".

The rumor was out I guess.

"Ya I did", I responded.

"Did you know the car was full of drugs?", he said.
I laughed, he laughed too.

I hoped it was a joke but I didn't want to confirm either way.
I'm fairly sure it was a joke, but I don't want to wager any bet on it.

I wasn't entirely confident so I didn't put a wager on it.

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Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Bragger's Never Prosper

Bragger's Never Prosper!

Its definitely a cultural thing to brag.

In the US and Canada if you are good at something (or have something) its OK to tell others.
"I'm good at basketball. I'm good at cooking. I'm good at math".
Or maybe, "Look at my car! Look at my watch! Look at my genitals! (Well, hopefully not)".
Unless you are blessed to be elephant sized. And some of us are.

As the expression goes,
"If the shoe fits wear it".

Try this on your lover, maybe they laugh, maybe they kill you.

In Japan its opposite world (like Bizzaro in Superman. Bizzaro is Superman, but an evil mirror copy).
You should always.... I repeat always, play down what you are good at (or have, such as elephant sized genitals).

If someone asks do you speak Japanese? You should answer "a little".
Are you 7 feet tall? You should answer "just pushing 5 feet".
Are your genitals elephant sized? You should answer, "no, like a mouse".

That one is the exception to brag about.

Even though I knew this, I didn't understand slang completely and that was part of the problem.

I become obsessed with Judo groundwork. You know, rolling around sweaty, doing chokes, armlocks and other fun things (that doesn't sound quite right).
In Japan this is known as NEWAZA. I thought it only meant ground work. But it also means sleeping skills, as in "bed skills".

I started to brag about how good I was, not realizing I'm going on and on about my bed skills (when in reality they are clean and church-like).
When I first met someone the conversation often started off on the wrong foot (cause the maybe the shoe didn't fit as my joke above went. Funny? Yeah it is!).

After the normal pleasantries we'd get deeper into discussion.
"What do you do for hobbies?", I'd be asked.
"I'm really into bed skills (ground), quite rough, really sweaty, long periods. I'm getting better with practice".

Everyone seemed dumbfounded. Most would respond "You understand our language well."
Little did I know I was an idiot and telling them about my sex life (whoops!).

This happened quite often until after a year about doing this a friend told me.
"Normally you shouldn't brag about that stuff, I know you are a foreigner (and I forgive you <for being a demon sent from hell>), but you might want to change your approach at introductions."

I still didn't really get it.

Finally a Japanese lady I met who had studied abroad told me in English, "You are very forward aren't you?"(and you are also a demon sent from hell).
Am I? I thought to myself.

She let me know that newaza had two meanings, but the context I'm using it (without explaining Judo and sports) has only one meaning and I'm coming off as a pervert (probably not something new as well).

I realized my error.

At that point I realized how funny it had been so told everyone the story of my mistake and stupidity (again as I've said many times very common in my life). Most people enjoyed the story.

If I was meeting was for the first time I continued to go on about my bed skills for amusements sake to see their reaction. I considered throwing in a few comments about elephant sized genitals.

After returning to Canada whenever someone asked me if I was good at anything I'd play it down.
"No, only a little".

Do you speak Japanese ? "Yes, a few words".

I realized that the only thing I shouldn't play down was my stupidity.
"Are you an idiot?"
I realized I should answer,"Yes 100%".

LOL, its true. I saw a movie about the future.

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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Inappropriate & Indecent Proposals

If you haven't seen the movie, you might not get my word play of the title.
Indecent proposal is a movie where Demi Moore has a raunchy one nighter with a millionaire while married. Her husband and her agree to it as long as they get one million dollars.

I definitely had some very inappropriate and indecent questions (or proposals). Unfortunately not for a million dollars (I'm still holding out hope).

I had one student that used to ask how big I was. I would always answer different answers when I knew very well she was asking about a certain body part.
She was asking how good were my goods (very good I assure you). Worth a million dollars you might say.


Sometimes I thought it was funny so when she asked how big are you, I'd respond "Well, my sandals are an "L" in Japan". She'd be like "NO! Your other size".
"Oh my height? Well I'm quite tall in Japan, although in Canada I'm kind of average".
"No! Your real size!?", she'd yell at me.

If I wasn't interested in playing her game anymore I'd just respond totally inappropriately.

"Huge! Like an elephant! And I mean the trunk", I'd tell her.
"All Gaijin (foreigners) like that?" she'd ask.

"No, just me", I'd say.

I assure you, bigger than that.

I hope her life wasn't hinged on that or she may be in for a big surprise (or should I say a smaller one, LOL snap). It'll be like the 5 Shades of Grey (missing the other 45 shades).

I may have mentioned a few times I got invited to a few kompa (dating parties). As you know I was living with my Canadian girlfriend, so it made no sense for me to go. But for some reason I guess it was cool to bring a gaijin (foreigner) who can speak Japanese so I got lassoed into it (like Wonder Women's truth lacrosse. This is a foreshadow readers).

I thought I should make it very clear that my intention was only to make friends and I was playing wingman for the other two Japanese dudes. So after a few minutes I usually said "Ya,.... umm so I have a girlfriend". The mood suddenly changed.

One of the girls asked why I would bring this up, when I could have just gone along with it and seen how far I could get (oh the problems with morality).

This one girl either thought I was joking or was testing how far I was willing to go to the dark side. Let me assure you, I am no Sith Lord, I'm more like Obi Wan Kenobi (if you don't know any Star Wars references, I'm saying I'm innocent and old). Based on my jokes you probably know its true (except for the 59 Shades of Grey references, that stuff be risque. Whips and stuff yo).

"What are you doing after the kompa?", a girl once asked me. I felt her question was without an innocent intention. "Well... uhhh, take the train home and then go drink some water, brush my teeth and go to bed". After a slight pause "And kiss my girlfriend before I go to sleep ....".

"Do you want to do anything else?", she asked.
"I wouldn't mind some tea, I've had enough sake", I told her sincerely.
"Like anything else?", she said.
"No, not really", I told her.

Either she thought she needed to spell it out for me, as in S P E L L or I just wasn't the smartest cookie in the cookie jar. Not the sharpest tool in the shed (sadly true. Read my other blogposts as proof).

So she kept going.
"Would you like to come to my place?", she asked.
"Ummmmm.... I left my toothbrush at home, so better to go home, also I like my own pillow", I told her.

She definitely got the hint I was playing hard ball or assumed I was the most daft (idiotic) person she's ever met (hopefully she doesn't think all foreigners are like that just like the other girl and the elephant joke above).

I told her the other two guys are available and she told me they weren't good. LOL.
I hope they aren't reading this. If you are it was her that said it, not me.

When my girlfriend asked how my night was I'd tell her.
"It was OK, but weird. I went to a party to get in a relationship then I castrated myself.".

She asked why I always needed to be so dramatic. I told her I tell all the other girls I'm into simple things like sleeping, drinking tea and sleeping on my own pillow.

She retorted, "The most simple thing about you is your brain."
What else is new.

What can I say, I like a girl that puts me in my place.

Maybe I should have told the girl I like forts and need to go home to build one.

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Saturday, February 28, 2015

Nampa the art of picking up women!

I should tell you two things (truths) about this topic before I begin.

1. I'm not good at picking up women. (You may think I'm this Don Juan Da Marco or sexy guy on the front of a women's love novel, but alas, I am not). I was also going to add in Captain Jack Sparrow. But no connection in any way. 軟派/  Nampa / ナンパ (written in Kanji here).

2. There second meaning of nampa is "shipwreck".

That's usually what happens what I try to pickup women, a shipwreck (although I'd like to brag about how amazing I am at it. Let me reiterate number 1, that I'm not).

I'm about as good at it as the feeling of rubbing your hand across sandpaper. Bumpy and rough ("Just the way your mother likes it Trebek!"). If you don't understand the Trebek thing its a joke on Saturday Night Live. Google it or ignore, just like the girls do to me, ignore my sandpaper advances. LOL.

I think you can fill in the blank.

Once while entering Japan I came across a Japanese immigration officer who looked very serious. He looked through my passport. At which point he noticed I was heading back to Kansai area (Kyoto, Osaka, Kobe area) for school. He told me he was from Osaka, I guess to make us feel like we have some brotherly connection. That's a nice move (maybe he's trying to pick me up?)
He then asked me if I speak Japanese, which I said yes. Since he already told me he's from Osaka in Japanese, its weird to ask if I speak Japanese after the fact. None the less, he did.
"You must be good at nampa!". I snickered. Although I knew very well the word means picking up girls in this context, I didn't want to let on, plus he's a freaking immigration officer. Imagine you tell them, yes I'd like to gain access to your country with one purpose to gain access to your most beautiful fair maidens. And they should be virgin maidens. And if by chance they have a dragon protecting them I'm not interested. Please allow me access and shoot me in the right direction.

I looked him in the eye for about five seconds at which point I replied, "I'm not good with boats". Incase you didn't catch my drift or remember my thorough explanation again. I'm implying to him I knew the second non slang meaning of nampa as shipwreck.
At this point he either realized I'm playing a game with him or thought I only knew proper Japanese.
He stamped my passport.
"Enjoy!" he said.
Enjoy I will, I thought (insert some sort of an evil laugh here).
I snickered as I passed into Japan, dreaming of my sandpaper smooth chances at picking up girls (aka none).

The ultimate technique. Works everytime for girls.

Most recently a good female friend reminded me.

"You know.. you are OK looking but you are very uncool. If only you could keep your mouth shut".
I smiled and responded, "But you know what. Its what's inside that counts right?".

"Ya about that... ummm you talk about the past a lot, and find jokes about rhyming words funny. You never shut up about Japan and things that happened along time ago. You don't live in the present. You are totally an old man."


LOL nice!

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Sunday, February 1, 2015

Politeness Shomightness!

Politeness Shomightness

By the way if you didn't know shomightness it isn't a word (that I’m aware of), but it’s supposed to mean “politeness meh, who needs it".

Mwa ha ha!

I should assert (or to be more polite& say volunteer) I did learn the different levels of politeness in Japanese while studying at Uni (University). 
I thought everyone’s sentences sounded so poetic. With long sentences with words inserted to caution the blow of changing topics or sharing knowledge that wasn't always positive.
Very similar to the British upper class.

A few stories come to mind to illustrate this point (if I may share them). See that’s politeness!

Allow me to submit to you a story (I’m sounding like British royalty here people).

Onetime as a student, I was on an exchange, and I wanted to go see Koga village (a cool ninja village). The stay in Japan was for 3 weeks. After asking my host-brother many times to go see this historical village, he gracefully informed me the distance to the location I sought after was far, and the time to reach it was great.
didn't get the hint.
After a few days he told me “Yes. We will go see it in six weeks”. I couldn't comprehend his politeness puzzle laid out before me, for my brain was small, and my puzzle solving skills destitute (it means poor / crappy).
I informed him, “But I will be gone in 3 weeks, so 6 weeks won’t be possible”.
He half smiled out of politeness not wishing to inform me in a way that might hurt my feelings.
Knowing fully well I’d be no place near him or this country he informed me.
“If you are here in 6 weeks, we will go then”.
Haha. I didn't go that time. Eight years later, I went with my wife. He was right that it was far and a real S.O.B (son of a bitch) to get to. Alas, my desire to see it was great, and my dream to reach it overpowering.

Add "please" to anything.

I also remember going to the store and noticing the banana’s weren't in their usual spot. I asked one of the staff where the banana’s were. “In an area located near the back, I will lead you there”. Ok thank you I thought. More graceful.
After not finding them there I’d get the same thing repeated but lead to a new area. I felt like I was being led in circles like a donkey with a carrot infront of my face (only I'm not as smart). So finally I asked, “Sorry, I’m not interested in the dog feces you are feeding me, do you have banana’s or what?”.
Trying to be polite she responded, “The location of the banana’s may not be in this store, however If you could wait, some banana’s will come to their location in an allocated time”. WTF!
I found out later there was a banana shortage in Japan as some diet guru suggested all Japanese women should eat banana’s to stay fit.
In my case I wasn't interested in a diet or staying fit.
I didn't have any cunning plan.

I just wanted a banana because I’m a monkey. 

I was so desperate for a banana I'd work for one too.

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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Years New Fears!

New Years is a funny time in Japan.
I wish I could remember many of the fun times, but alas most of them are a complete blur.

I recall throwing up in a ditch once or twice. Not completely positive memories (or maybe half memories I guess).

Ya, that sounds about right.

Onetime a nice family invited me to a traditional day of making rice cakes. Awesome I thought.

I made the rice cakes by hammering the hell out of this big wooden stump the rice was being held in. IT was cool (and prelude hot), except that my technique must have been wrong and hot boiling rice sprayed my companions (cohorts) in the face. Ouch!
They laughed with a hearty but fake laugh as their skin received 3rd degree burns.
Oh the foreigners are funny aliens I thought to myself. We do the damnedest things.

Oh no! You didn't!

It also tends to be very cold around New Years. Most of my stories are about how hot it is in the summer, but let me tell you Winter is another season unto itself.
Its like hell freezes over. Everything is cold and deadly. It reminds me of those ghost things in Harry Potter that suck your soul for fun. I forget the names, those ones from Prisoner of Azkaban, those dudes. They fly around. The air gets cold and you are screwed. Harry Potter shoots this like Unicorn thing to stop them. But I don't have a wand so I'm ATBS (about to be screwed).
Its totally like that, only no magic (or ghost dudes), only weather related similar.

And in that type of weather you see all these girls wearing short skirts and you think WTF hot! But cold. You catch my drift? Hot, but cold. Funny? ...... I guess not.
And as you see these girls wearing their short mini skirts, I'm wearing one layer of long johns underneath my jeans and I'm still freezing. They can totally see an outline of my old man long-john's. What kind of a guy who is 25 years old, wears long-john's? Me myself and Irene (its a movie reference).
I remember one kid used to slap my butt a lot and say "OMUTSU?". I didn't know what that meant but I looked it up oneday and it meant diaper. I guess my butt was so padded he thought I had a diaper on.
But you know what, if it traps in the heat, I was willing to try it. LOL. Embarrassing!

I even wore those Japanese heated sticky pads in my pockets and shoes to stay warm. Sometimes the heating pads rubbed a little too close to my groin and I'd moan as it burned my privates. I guess that's YIN and YANG, hot and cold.

Another semi good memory is the smell of kerosene. Emphasis on the "semi".
You see in Japan most people use kerosene heaters.
Heat up by your kerosene heater and hope you don't die from the fumes. Those are good times.
More than once I would pour kerosene on my clothes (usually my pajama's and yes not on purpose) and I'd think if someone smokes near me I'm roast marshmallow. Like those ones that catch on fire and burn down to charcoal. They don't taste that good (incase you didn't know). Although there are sicko's that are into the burnt ones (hope you aren't one).
I also smelled like kerosene all night. oh the intoxicating smell.
I believe now wholeheartedly, I may have lost a few brain-cells.

Someone once asked me, "Don't you air out the poisonous kerosene laced fumes every few hours as the heater says on it?". "No", I responded.
Even if I did, my clothes will still smell like it. So either way I can't win.

.. Happy New Year Mofo's!

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